Week 9 : Web Cams & Witness Protection Program

I wish I could enter the Witness Protection Program. So beer and cheese could never find me.

You may remember some of my previous conversations with Boho in posts like Chatty Vaginas and Shaving Babies. Well the other day I told Boho about my Witness Protection Program as a Get Fit! plan. Because beer and cheese are my favorite.This was her response.

boho: In the Addiction circle that is called "doing a geographic". It doesn't work.

pish posh: Phlbbbt.  

boho: Here is how you lose weight. It's the self loathing Puritan method. Every time you eat, get naked in front of a mirror with florescent lights on. Then drink all the beer and eat all the cheese you want.

The Cheese Psychosis Begins

pish posh: I could still justify it. I need to stand naked in front of a florescent lit mirror with either a gaggle of fit young cheerleaders or an attractive man looking at me and then try to eat and drink. But you know what? I probably still would. Because it's f*ing cheese and beer. Are you kidding me? Totally worth it.

boho: Ok...do it and report back to me. Consider it a social experiment worthy of an article. Only drink beer and eat cheese naked in front of a mirror. For 30 days. Take pictures and photoshop black bars as needed.

pish posh: there will be no pictures.

boho: Oh Oh..!!! .a new livelihood for you. " Web Cam weight loss" Watch Pish eat cheese naked...pay to log on!!!! We will call it the Pish mirror diet. 

Nobody wants to watch Pish Posh eat cheese naked. 

boho: And then when the $$$ starts rolling in, we can hire the hot bodies to watch. So dark, dysfunctional, and disturbing which is why it will be the next Hollywood diet craze. Paris Hilton would totally sign up!

boho: And Snookie.

pish posh: Wow you just did a whole thing right there by yourself, didn't you?

So after a week spent back in California getting my personal and professional life together - bombing interviews and taking my mom on boat rides, I find that the main thing for me to do now is get my physical life in shape. Anyway... instead of the web-cam and witness protection program, although those are totally viable options, I'm going to go with this:

My 21 Day Diet
I'm finally getting serious. From now until May 24 (3 weeks) I will stick to this plan :

• No alcohol on weeknights
• No processed food   
• No cheese
• No eating after 7
• Workout 90 minutes a day
• Do martial arts/aerobics/dance classes

It's liveable, healthy, and it will do it. I know it will. I have known it the whole time. Dieting, weights, cardio, none of it is enough. I cannot be left to my own devices. I've just hesitated because it involves people. But every time I have gotten in shape it is because I am regularly doing an aerobic activity with a group 3-4 times a week. At my most fit I was playing soccer 2x a week, martial arts 2xa week, and aerobics 2x a week. 



We're Not Dead Yet
I'm tired of feeling old. Not out of some lust for youth, but just this sudden feeling that life is weighing me down and that's just how it is now. That's not just how it is now. I'm not dead yet.

She's 83 and can do yoga, can you?

I come from an athletic background and fitness has been a part of me. I hate that I'm not strong. It's how I need to be. You see mental health, physical health, emotional health, professional health, they're all related. So my squishy, flabby, floppy, fish-out of water self reflects the depression and darkness I've tried to survive. And I no longer want to ride that wave.

This isn't a challenge just for the ladies. This picture is though.. well, and for some guys.. but here is a link to killer ab exercises you can do at home, even if you work on a farm.

So I finally went to Zumba tonight. It was like a deranged combination of The Biggest Loser, Intervention, and Dancing with the Stars. I looked like a chubby alcoholic dance-spastic. Everyone went to the right, I went to the left. Everyone spun around, I stood there like a dweeb. Everyone did the meringue, I thought about lemon meringue. Ladies danced the salsa. I thought about a mexican beer with lime. Bam bam bam! Zumba!

And I broke the Pish Posh barrier. This is gross but to me it isn't real exercise if you aren't sweating. Now I don't mean like one of those gross hairy old men on the treadmill dripping a perfect U-shape all around them and steaming up the men's locker-room, walking around putting their nuts on the sink while they shave their faces (or so I hear). I mean I glisten while I use the elliptical, but I sweat when I do aerobics. The kind of sweat that isn't dripping, but just endampens your entire body. Yes I made up a word. 

If you aren't athletic this all sounds mental. But when I played soccer I felt like I had really been in a fight, a battle, a real struggle when the backs of my knees felt sticky with dried sweat. I should probably stop talking about this. But to me, when I felt this tonight, this was a sign that somewhere under the flubber blubber is that strong, fighting Pish Posh - that cocky, fit, Pish Posh that pushes herself harder and harder for the sheer joy of it. And that was a good feeling.

Check out Recipes/Fitness plans on my Pinterest

When you're ready, you'll stop making excuses, and push yourself hard. Because you want to. You can do it people. So think about your 21 day commitment, as we come to the end of our remaining weeks, and think about what habits you want to have by the end of May. Get to your Pish Posh Applesauce Happy High. (new recipe?) I found mine by joining a class, getting jiggy, dancing, and realizing, I'm sick of life being the boss of me...  There is no way that ANYONE looks like a bigger dork or is doing any of these exercises more wrong. But we will all get better, the harder we try. Just keep trying.

What brings up your good feeling and the will to push yourself harder?

I really hope it isn't web-cams of you naked and eating cheese.

Stay tuned tomorrow for a descriptions of how my interviews went, and an award given to a very special blogger!! Will you be the one I pass it along to?

Grab Some Button!!

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