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This morning I woke up with this exact thought.
You know what? I'm only 21. I have plenty of time to figure life out!And then I remembered, I'm 35.
And where is my youth? My hair is graying, my forehead wrinkling, my tooshy lower than it should be...
Back in the day... Frank Sinatra reminds me of lovely messy nights in my family kitchen, listening to ol' blue eyes, and cooking Italian food for my dad. The house smelled like garlic all day long.
But I'm not that girl anymore. Ipanema has become I for Insecurity. We let our insecurities ruin relationships, guide our choices, and run our lives. We know it is a choice to trust someone, or to not trust them. We know it is a choice to let ourselves remain fearful and insecure. Nobody can make us more secure. We have to step off the ledge and trust we won't fall - or at least that if we do, we can get back up again.
You see, the thing with falling is that as we get to this mid-point in life, we have probably fallen quite a bit. We can choose whether to let that make us tired and weary, or wise and light. Are we carrying baggage, or learning lessons? It seems to me that the wisest people are the lightest people.
The Girl from Ipanema highlights what I've been feeling lately. The golden blossom of youth is fading, and I am entering a practical, grown-up phase. The composer of the lyrics described the song this way:
a golden teenage girl, a mixture of flower and mermaid, full of light and grace, the sight of whom is also sad, in that she carries with her, on her route to the sea, the feeling of youth that fades, of the beauty that is not ours alone—it is a gift of life in its beautiful and melancholic constant ebb and flow.You see in my mind, I feel like that girl, and want to be that girl again. So today I give you my favorite poem:
Nothing Gold Can Stay
- Robert Frost
- Robert Frost
Nature's first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leafs a flower;
But only so an hour.
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.
I look forward to visiting my family next week. I will play Sinatra, cook spaghetti, and think about the time and the lines between those days as a kid and now. Life feels heavy lately and I am afraid of seeing my parents get older, seeing my baby nephew grow so fast, watching my mom deteriorate. Life moves so quickly.
We'll see if I can't restore the youthfulness, pick myself up, like the girl from Ipanema, walking by on her way to the sea.
Did anyone else have a mini-crisis about aging?
61 comments:
But aging is beautiful too. There is something undeniably posh about smile lines, and a sprinkling of gray. It has a sexiness that is different than youthful beauty, but sexy nonetheless.
Oh gosh, at 47 I'm constantly having mini-crisises about aging. One day I moaned to my spouse that all the publishers in NY were like, twelve, and none of them were going to want to work with me, and I thought I needed to run out and get my nose pierced and dye my hair pink. True story. But then, age is just an attitude and as long as we keep learning, keep our curiosity and laughter, we can hold the ogres of age at bay. The wrinkles, well, not so much.
All the damn time, but I am alot, I mean ALOT older then you, so I think about it all the time. Have a great time with the fam.
A bad dream I have had many times. I dreamt I thought I was 35, but realized I was 45 in my dream, and then woke up and I was 55. I have nothing wise to offer this conversation.
I'll be 64 in June. My mid-life crisis started at 40 and 24 years later it's in full bloom. I almost always dream that I am in my 30s, but I seem to know everything that I know now. Dreams can be wonderful things. Listen to the Stan Getz/Astrud Gilberto version of Girl from Ipanema. I believe it's the original. It's always been one of my favorites.
Link to video of Astrud Gilberto singing Girl from Ipanema:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJkxFhFRFDA
I have never really cared about my appearance, but now that I am starting to see the sag under my chin and the growing size of my gut, I notice. I am far from a meltdown, but I am suddenly very conscious of what I look like.
LOVELY POST.....and I think about it often and I don't like getting old. I don't like it at all. I notice way too many things changing as I get older....the aging process is not my friend. Having a husband like mine who is several years younger than me DOES NOT HELP AT ALL, let me tell ya.....No sir'eee, But I'm alive. I'm healthy (though some days I feel like crap)....
OHHH stop! you are golden! In fact, (and I only say this to the very special people) "Stay Golden Ponyboy."
Stop being so hard on yourself- I was in the best shape of my life at age 37-39, and had the level of self awareness to enjoy it. you can do it too. do it for Johnny.... do it for johnny man.
Raised sharing a room with my retired grandfather, aging wasn't ever an issue beyond his occasional instruction about caring for the plants and garden, "When I go to join the army..." He never complained about health issues, though he had five potentially fatal conditions when he finally wore out at 84. My personal take now is illustrated by two songs: Aretha Franklin's version of Never Grow Old, and Bob Dylan's Forever Young. For this one, sign me Pushing 70.
“How old would you be if you didn't know how old you was (are)?” Satchel Paige.
I am 27 and not worried about going grey. But that is because I am already losing my hair.
I will be the first of my friends to go bald, and my confidence is shattered. Do I try the regrowth stuff? Sounds like a con.
I have more hair than my Dad at this age, so I count this as winning
Love your choice for "I". Some days I'm more Ipanema and some days I'm more Insecure!
Zinedine Zidane is bald and he's like the sexiest guy in the world. Seriously :)
Good point. Delusions are a hell of a thing ;)
Oh I did not know that. That's an interesting story!! I wish I had got to know my grandparents more. I never remember speaking to them ever.
Oh Dally, man. I hear you :) Thank you
No a younger man can be very insecure-making on the one hand. On the other, a younger, handsome man wants.... YOU!! So that should tell you something too ;)
Can you rest a beer on your gut? That's the test. See? Your sag under the chin is like me grabbing my elbows and going wtf is this extra skin!!?
Oh yes she has a lovely voice. That's my favorite version - thank you for tracking it down for me - I didn't know her name!!
If only we got to 60, took all that wisdom, and then started to reverse age with that wisdom. By the time we were 35 for the second time, we'd have 35 year old bodies with 90 year old souls.
It helps to know I'm not the only one! :)
Are you 400? Half the people responding here are 55-73 ;) What are you, 50? My best friend is 54.
Oh yes I bet that's going to piss me off too. I noticed that as a teacher. The kids stay the same age while I grow older. One of my students is getting a 90,000/year job upon graduating college, which is twice what I make. Feels great huh?
But I do think you're right - a lot of this is attitude and curiosity!
So you say. Some incredibly beautiful women are incredibly beautiful older graceful women. I'm not going to be one of those women. I'm going to be overweight in sweats, like my mom.
You had me at Sinatra and making spaghetti for your Dad.. Brought back so many memories for me..
Loved this post even tho it got me a little weepy and Mimi does not do weepy!
Enjoy your visit with your family. Take lots of pics.. My Dad passed away 5 yrs. ago and I miss him every moment of every day..
And PS - They say 35 is the new 25 so go run into that ocean! ; )
I think there's a trade-off. Some days I'd give anything to rewind 20 years and be able to scoff at the 'old folk' whining about back pain and taxes. But most days I'm just glad I'm not that dumb bitch anymore.
Yes :-(
I remember the song and it brings back wonderful memories too. Okay, I'm not keen on what the mirror reflects back now days, but as you say, nothing lives forever in this world. We have to accept that our bodies are governed by the same rule. Sigh! Never mind, we've had a great life. Not only that, we're still alive and can use all the knowledge we've gained.
http://francene-wordstitcher.blogspot.com
Thanks, cause I wanted that song stuck in my head all day...
If you still feel like that girl- run with it!
I have been having that crisis almost every day lately. I'll be 35 in September and what I see in the mirror looks so old. Sometimes I feel like I'm Dorian Gray's portrait and wonder where is the youthful me who is having all the fun.
I looked in the mirror yesterday, and I swear I considered Botox. For just a minute. Does it work? Is it safe? does Dr. Oz recommend? then? I snapped out of it. Mainly because I cannot afford it. :)
I don't know. I think wisdom is pretty heavy. It's always shown as a great weight, and I think there's a reason for that.
It's like in that Lloyd Alexander story about... I can't remember his name, but the guy who chooses knowledge (wisdom) and instantly ages.
I think it's easier to float before you -know-. Knowing brings you down to Earth.
Interesting. See I don't equate knowledge with wisdom. Being in academics, I see plenty of educated, knowledgeable people who will never have wisdom. To me knowledge makes one heavy - knowledge is the apple in the garden of eden, the tree of knowledge.
Wisdom is understanding, making sense of knowledge, and this peace can be lightening - in fact enlightening.
My 25 year old student is already using Botox. ARGH.
Ah good allusion!! I'll be 36 in September, so you can tell yourself at least you're not as old as me ;)
I'm too old to run. ;)
HA. You are welcome my dear. Sorry. ;)
Great comment Francene! Can't wait to check out your blog after work!
I sometimes wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then, but I have more strength than I did then.
Will do! If only 135lbs was the new 125lbs haha just kidding. I love Sinatra and it totally reminds me of my happiest times with my family, memories I will always treasure, everyone cooking together. I am sorry about your dad and thank you for reminding me to appreciate what is important in life!
Me too Jennifer, me too!
You are beautiful and the girl from Ipanema is always there. Strut.
I don't think they're the same thing either, but I can't remember which word Alexander used in that book.
Here's my distinction, I suppose:
During WWII, many people had the knowledge of what was going on with the Nazis. Knowledge they chose to ignore. Only the wise -understood- what was going on and took steps to prevent it before it spread to them.
Thanks Angie! We could all use a little more strut in our stride :)
Okay not all of us. Some need less.
I've been having a mini quarter crisis about aging since turning 35. You are not alone. I'm now 43 and it's tough. I've explored these issues especially with respect to women on my blog. I try to keep it funny but sometimes it gets poignant. It's all about accepting and moving through it instead of trying to side step it. Hang in there.
Around age 35 I started having "beige days" - days when I wasn't gloomy like black, or vibrant like red - just sort of feeling "beige."
Now, after this years birthday (49!), I will be reminded by the AARP that I am getting old.
Ha! Well at least there are benefits! And 49 is pretty young. My dad (64) used to joke "well at least I'll get discounts on bus tickets" :)
Funny + poignant is the best. Moving through it, like a tornado, is sometimes all you can do!
i'm about to turn 23, but still had a little crisis of my own when I was deciding to stay in Germany for another year. Shouldn't I be starting a career? Making real money? Getting my own place? Finding the right guy? But alas, I decided to stay. What's one more year, right?
stopping by from the not mommy hop!
On my driver's license it says I'm 43. In my head, I'm 27. That's a problem.
And that insecurity thing? It's a major roadblock in my life. I get that no one can fix it for me except me, but I'm stumped as to how to really get past it. Thoughts?
I think 35 is kind of a turning point. I'm 40 and don't mind it so much, though I've struggled with things like migraines and knee pain (bleh) -- and for some reason stress just seems harder to manage than it used to!
That said, I never quite felt like the girl you describe, so for me a lot of things about aging are great. I have a husband I love, a house and two cats I love, and a life where I can do most of the things I really want to do. So in many ways 40 is better than 25 for me.
The aging parents thing really freaks me out though. My mother is near 70 and my father near 80 -- and I know I'm not there for them as much as I should be (or will need to be).
Love the Frost poem -- though it will always be associated with The Outsiders for me, that's not a bad thing.
41 going on 21 here. Youth is in the heart.
I've been having some mini-mini-crises for a handful of years. I just turned 29.
I've lost some of the boldness/self-esteem (particularly about physical appearance) that I had when I was 16...19... Though it's been replaced by another kind of boldness (a willingness to speak up). I'm working on getting the former back; a lot of the insecurities are lies and exaggerations my Inner Critic loves to whisper to me.
Mostly, as I've gotten older, I've been forced to recognize how fast life goes. I got my first hint of it at 18. Now, it seems like it's traveling at warp speed. But I can't stop it. And I can't go back. So....I just need to follow the resolution I made at the beginning of this year: to have fun, with whatever I'm doing.
Stopping by from the Not Mommy hop. (I'm also doing the A to Z Challenge - so from one participant to another: best of luck. :) )
I have the same experience - less confident about my looks but far more willing to speak up. I've gotten over a lot of my shyness. In a way I miss that youthfulness though. I didn't know how beautiful I was. Now that I know, I'm not.
In a good way or a bad way? In a stay up til 4am drinking beer, or in a willingness to take risks and have new adventures?
I wish people had warned me about 35! I thought this would all happen at age 40 but it's happening now.
I think if I had a husband, a house, and a better life I might feel better. I hope I have that by the time I'm 40.
The aging parents thing is just awful, just awful.
Yes, I did love the Outsiders as a kid too!
I don't see any other way but to fix it or accept it. Whatever you're insecure about - get up and fix it, or accept it and take it as it is.
Oh well since I lived in Europe when I was 23 also let me just tell you that you should be worried about having adventures, gaining experience, and really really deciding what it is you want to do for the rest of your life.
Don't bloody worry about starting your career, making money, getting a place, finding a guy. That will happen - look how gorgeous and smart you are. Trust me that stuff will be the stuff of your thirties. My god enjoy your twenties while you can, please.
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