3 hours driving through winding mountains laying on hard metal facing backwards feels like dookie in your mouth. And my dad is not a "pull over for restroom breaks" or "let a little girl stop to puke" kind of guy. My revenge was that I threw up in the truck. SEVEN TIMES. My brother had to lay next to me the whole time, while this careening two-door banana-vomit mobile sped down the mountains.
My dad has never taken the 120 again. Ever.
Recently, I had to take a long drive with colleagues - wonderful people who I appreciate and are very nice in small doses. But on this trip? What should have been a 3 hour drive, became a 5.5 hour journey to the center of hell.
I am a quiet person. I got no sleep the night before. I don't like being around people and I had been around people constantly for three days straight. I ate half-cooked eggs during breakfast. I already felt sick. SOMEBODY decided to talk about the budget the whole way back. One woman kept saying "welllll...." in a nasal tone, just ready to disagree with anything anyone said.. And another person, in response, just kept saying "you know" every five minutes. And this was after three days of listening to someone who said "actually" 47 times in one sitting. Yes, I counted.
Here is my experience of the trip. I can't tell you the things that were said, out of courtesy to my colleagues, but here is the gist of it...
WELL... (political statement that goes against everything I believe in)
ME: every word you say is like a chainsaw to my kneecaps.
WELL... (complaining)
ME: your voice is sandpaper to my nipples.
 |
| Pretty much you've never seen a better drawing of the prairie. Am I right? |
WELL...I get burned in the sun.
Me: The sun is hot.
WELL... No it's not.
ME: Okay. The sun is not hot.
WELL... Yes it is.
WELL... blah blah blah blah BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH blah..... BLAAAAAHHHHHHH!!
WELL...Let's stop for a long lunch!
ME: Ooh, can we go to the place that's the only place that has the food I like?
WELL... I don't eat whatever that gross stuff is. Let's go shopping. Let's talk about shopping for an hour).
ME: sad face.
LUNCH BREAK (cue Jeopardy music, bad food smells, debates about whether to sit in the sun or shade, and then continual debates about the simplest things, mixed with political, race, gender debates).BACK ON THE ROAD (cue return to crazy swerving driver making me nauseous and afraid)
WELL...Well I just don't understand why faculty can have lunch whenever they want and staff can't. I mean, *supposebly* it is all about...
ME: oh my god! that's not how you say supposedly! quiet time!
WELL..well, no. They can't... because it won't... and then...
ME: stop saying well, PLEASE god I beg you.
WELL... Hey Pish. do you have any pets?
ME: Yes. I have two cats.
WELL: Are they your animals or your kids?
ME: Um... I don't know. I guess they're kinda like my kids.
WELL... People who treat animals like their kids are freaks.. This one time...blah blah blah
ME: wtf! Did she just say that!? I didn't even.. I just.. wait what? You set me up!
WELL... (complaining)
ME: will I die if I jump from a moving vehicle? We're only going 80.
WELL... (contradicting)
ME: 35 years is long enough to live. I've had a good life.
WELL...(complaining)
ME: who will feed my cats if I die? Sorry cats.
WELL.. (moment of silence)
ME: Oh my god, she's letting someone else speak finally!
YOU KNOW... (rebuttal to all of the above)
ME: oh holy fuck. Now he's saying "you know" every other word.
This is literally what I heard. I typed it word for word as it happened:
YOU KNOW...In conversation with you know I mean you know these are you know the things you know and then you know you have to do them and you know, you know how it goes like you know how you say you know we have to that's where you know they talk you know about you know...Again, you know it is you know, like you know, the chicken and the egg, you know.
Indeed I do.
From now on I'll drive myself.
What's the worst car-ride you've ever been on?
35 comments:
Hopefully you all don't work in close quarters. I've never traveled with co-workers. My worst car trip was with my family, a 13 hour drive after a funeral. My brother and sisters and I were all sick, but troopers.
I hate to admit it, but i'm an "actually" person. It might just be that because i'm aware of it, but every time i use it in one conversation, it seems like the tenth time. I've been trying to wean myself from that one.
Worst car trip, 13 hours in the family car to a wedding, sleep over, then 13 hours back the next day. Went all the way to the coast and i don't even remember seeing the ocean, actually. :)
It was actually more than actually you would think actually. Actually, the person actually sort of said actually, actually in places actually where actually it didn't actually even actually make sense actually.
Actually.
No we have some needed space. And I do like them. I just hate long car rides with loud talkers :)
Wow...how did you manage to put up with that?! My biggest pet peeve in conversation is when people use "like" constantly. As a college instructor, I get it all the time. Shoot me now! Hopefully you don't have to "enjoy" a long car-ride with Well and You Know anytime in the near future :)
College instructors unite!!
Like, totally! You know? ;)
I'm so glad you understand. I had conniptions when they kept saying "supposebly" too.
ps - do you have a blog I can visit?
It could be worse. You could be one of those pretentious people who sprinkle all of their sentences with words such as "vis-a-vis", "veritable", and "proverbial".
Worst car trip: returning from Las Vegas with my mother-in-law and in-law-aunt (not sure how to describe that). They were not supposed to be riding with us, we had no room, terrible hangovers, the check engine light came on, and the A/C couldn't keep the car cool because it was 123 outside. 6 hours of that. I'm amazed I didn't kill anyone.
That sounds like the most horrific car ride ever - I want to slit my wrists just thinking about it!!! The only thing I got that might top it, is my now ex-husband calling me whore (out of nowhere) on the night we found out we were pregnant. FTR- I wasn't a whore then, nor am I one now...
YUCK! Nothing worse than a LONG and MISERABLE car ride. New follower here. I’m enjoying reading my fellow “A to Z”ers. I look forward to visiting again.
Sylvia
http://www.writinginwonderland.blogspot.com/
Worst car ride I have ever been on was a couple years ago. Two of my friends and I drove from Philadelphia to New Orleans in my car for Mardi Gras. We were basically hung over the entire two day car ride back and hated each other by the end of it.
On top of all of this, I had come to the conclusion that I was going to break up with my girlfriend during the trip (no, I didn't do anything bad down there, I just realized that I enjoyed the freedom of being able to go and do things like take roadtrips with my buddies), so I had that weighing on my mind the entire drive.
Plus, I am claustrophobic, so long car rides kinda irk me a bit.
I'm sure I've blocked the most horrific road trip out of my memory. However, I did write about the time that my dad got us lost trying to find the Boston Science Museum. Let's just say we took the "scenic route."
I think that horrific car ride puts any bad ride of mine to shame! I went to a concert once, in the middle of winter, riding in a Volkswagon that was missing a floorboard and the heater didn't work. It was a long 2 hour drive, there and back!
Simply fantastic recap! The drawings really make it! More t Han once I laughed outloud
Aw really? I was feeling kinda off my game today :) thanks1
Oh good point. I've had some nights like that too! I used to have a car that once you rolled the window down you couldn't get it back up and it was snowing. Another night I had to drive 2 hours and the heater didn't work and they had severe alerts - the weather was so cold they were saying it was fatal to be outside for more than 5-10 minutes. And I had no heater.
And then my car broke down. On the side of the road. In the middle of nowhere. In the dark. In freezing weather. With no heater.
I'll check it out!
I am claustrophobic too and that IS part of the reason I was freaking out and honestly my coworkers were being really sweet to me and let me move from the back to the front because I was freaking out. Also - they probably wouldn't have been as annoying if I hadn't been having a claustrophobic fit.
I drove out to see my family once with a new boyfriend. We argued all the way there (it took 2 days to drive) but we also got along really well on the way there. Then he told me he loved me when we got there. Then we drove home and fought all the way back to the point we wanted to break up with each other.
Well!! That takes the cake. I'm glad you are not with him. Sorry you had that experience, I've been there myself.
Your wife's aunt, perhaps?
Oh god unwanted family in a crowded hot sticky car blegh! Fuck me and call it Tuesday that sounds terrible.
I took a female student to a poetry reading tonight. The poet was telling a story and said something was "inconCEIVEable" and she looked at me and giggled. "What?" I said. "Inconceivable" she said "hahahahaha". I promised her I would say "inconceivable" in class tomorrow several times.
If I ever say veritable you can punch me in my womb, vis-a-vis- the proverbial hay maker.
Poor you! That sounds terrible... good chance I would have just started screaming like a maniac. I can't think of any particularly bad car trips. I guess the worst for me were the scary ones - where the driver seems to be totally out of control.
>blink blink<
You know that bit in Pulp Fiction when they hit a bump and the gun goes off...?
After reading that, I can't even think of any bad car trips I've been on.
Oh, and my wife's aunt peed her pants in the back seat. WTF?
What. A. Nightmare. You, Pish, are a saint.
I have a few bad road trip stories. I guess the worst was getting stuck on the Atchafalaya Bridge for 8 hours.
I'm so not a saint. If I was a saint I wouldn't be writing about it, bothered by it, get cranky about it, and probably I got pissy and distant in the car, and of course argumentative since I can never let things go :) But thank you for thinking I am nicer than I am.
Where on earth is the Atchafalaya Bridge? Was that in TX? Getting stuck anywhere for 8 hours sounds awful. I was in my classroom today speaking to my students when I noticed that the security guard was going around testing the locks on the doors so for about 30 seconds he locked us in the classroom. I told them oh he better unlock that door right now or I'm about to freak out and so yea, 8 hours? Murder time.
Oh haaaaaaaaaaaaa :)
I would love to be on a car trip with you. You are probably so sweet and funny. And if not, even better. HA. No but I mean seeing someone just start screaming like a maniac would have been really funny and broken the tension :) Things were getting waaaay too serious.
Are you sure you're not Chevy Chase?
Bahahaha! This was epic, you know? We had a friend that used to say, you know? after every single thing he said. It took everything in me not to scream NO I DO NOT KNOW!
Sweet holy hell, it's been a while and I'd forgotten how godawful riding in the car with colleagues is. I had to laugh at your tweets while you were apparently still trapped in the car - I felt for you! My absolute least favorite part is always the lunch. Everybody spends two hours debating where to eat and all I want to say is, "Sharing a meal is only prolonging my agony. I vote we skip lunch and drive faster. If you're bothered by your hunger, I'd be happy to kill you and toss your carcass from the moving vehicle." That'd at least get me a table by myself.
eh? I have a dear Canadian friend who says eh? at the end of her sentence. It's not annoying but omg this guy, who I really like and respect, just wow. I can't believe how many times he says you know.
You know?
You should submit this car trip story to the producers of "I Shouldn't Be Alive."
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