3 hours driving through winding mountains laying on hard metal facing backwards feels like dookie in your mouth. And my dad is not a "pull over for restroom breaks" or "let a little girl stop to puke" kind of guy. My revenge was that I threw up in the truck. SEVEN TIMES. My brother had to lay next to me the whole time, while this careening two-door banana-vomit mobile sped down the mountains.
My dad has never taken the 120 again. Ever.
Recently, I had to take a long drive with colleagues - wonderful people who I appreciate and are very nice in small doses. But on this trip? What should have been a 3 hour drive, became a 5.5 hour journey to the center of hell.
I am a quiet person. I got no sleep the night before. I don't like being around people and I had been around people constantly for three days straight. I ate half-cooked eggs during breakfast. I already felt sick. SOMEBODY decided to talk about the budget the whole way back. One woman kept saying "welllll...." in a nasal tone, just ready to disagree with anything anyone said.. And another person, in response, just kept saying "you know" every five minutes. And this was after three days of listening to someone who said "actually" 47 times in one sitting. Yes, I counted.
Here is my experience of the trip. I can't tell you the things that were said, out of courtesy to my colleagues, but here is the gist of it...
WELL... (political statement that goes against everything I believe in)
ME: every word you say is like a chainsaw to my kneecaps.
ME: your voice is sandpaper to my nipples.
|Pretty much you've never seen a better drawing of the prairie. Am I right?|
WELL...I get burned in the sun.
Me: The sun is hot.
WELL... No it's not.
ME: Okay. The sun is not hot.
WELL... Yes it is.
WELL... blah blah blah blah BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH blah..... BLAAAAAHHHHHHH!!
WELL...Let's stop for a long lunch!
ME: Ooh, can we go to the place that's the only place that has the food I like?
WELL... I don't eat whatever that gross stuff is. Let's go shopping. Let's talk about shopping for an hour).
ME: sad face.
LUNCH BREAK (cue Jeopardy music, bad food smells, debates about whether to sit in the sun or shade, and then continual debates about the simplest things, mixed with political, race, gender debates).
BACK ON THE ROAD (cue return to crazy swerving driver making me nauseous and afraid)
WELL...Well I just don't understand why faculty can have lunch whenever they want and staff can't. I mean, *supposebly* it is all about...
ME: oh my god! that's not how you say supposedly! quiet time!
WELL..well, no. They can't... because it won't... and then...
ME: stop saying well, PLEASE god I beg you.
WELL... Hey Pish. do you have any pets?
ME: Yes. I have two cats.
WELL: Are they your animals or your kids?
ME: Um... I don't know. I guess they're kinda like my kids.
WELL... People who treat animals like their kids are freaks.. This one time...blah blah blah
ME: wtf! Did she just say that!? I didn't even.. I just.. wait what? You set me up!
ME: will I die if I jump from a moving vehicle? We're only going 80.
ME: 35 years is long enough to live. I've had a good life.
ME: who will feed my cats if I die? Sorry cats.
WELL.. (moment of silence)
ME: Oh my god, she's letting someone else speak finally!
YOU KNOW... (rebuttal to all of the above)
ME: oh holy fuck. Now he's saying "you know" every other word.
This is literally what I heard. I typed it word for word as it happened:
YOU KNOW...In conversation with you know I mean you know these are you know the things you know and then you know you have to do them and you know, you know how it goes like you know how you say you know we have to that's where you know they talk you know about you know...Again, you know it is you know, like you know, the chicken and the egg, you know.
Indeed I do.
From now on I'll drive myself.
What's the worst car-ride you've ever been on?