We need a secret club of ninja assassins. I hear about things that are so awful I can't bear it. And sometimes people just get on my nerves. Together, we will hire an elite assassin team of Ninjas, Sasquatches, Dominatrixes, and form our own Justice League. We have too many cruel people on this planet, too much brutality, too much dumb-fuckery, too many assholes, and too much getting on my damn nerves.
Cracked just did a post on what it would look like if one crime was legalized. This is their number1:
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| Everyday life if One Crime Were Legalized - Manx377 |
Ninjas for urban areas, and Sasquatches for the woodland folk. The best thing about ninjas is their stealth. The best thing about sasquatches is their ability to only be seen by crazy people. Combined, the ninja sasquatch stealth assassins would be a Swat Team that would never be traced back to us unless too many people read this post. But only cool people read my blog.
There would be four levels of punishment:
- LEVEL 1: SLOW PAINFUL HORRIBLE DEATH
This is reserved for people who hurt children, people who abuse animals, sexual predators, dictators, mutilators, and generally the worst people on the face of the planet who cannot and will not change.
- LEVEL 2: JUST DEATH
This is reserved for people the world just does not need but who are not necessarily cruel and sadistic. But are total wastes of space. Like Rush Limbaugh.
- LEVEL 3: BITCH-SLAPPED BY A DISEASED FISH
For an hour. This is for people who are annoying as shit! Loud chewers, tail-gaters, telemarketers, most airline stewardesses, people who work for phone companies, and naughty children.
- LEVEL 4: PAINT-BALLED
This is reserved for people we love who annoy us but who may not survive the fish-slapping. Our Swat Team will simply paintball them at an unexpected moment and leave them a flier with info on how not to annoy the living hell out of us. They will have to wear the mark of shame for at least 24 hours.
I know who I would put on the list. Who would you add to the list, and what level?
*remember, this is a joke. do not assassinate or fish-slap anybody*
25 comments:
Wait. Can't someone I love get the diseased fish? Just asking... for a friend.
Seriously? Rush only gets fish-slapped? I disagree. And therein lies the difficulty in your otherwise brilliant plan. And I'm with Lady E; most of the people nearest and dearest to me deserve a fish-slapping OFTEN. Like there are two boys in my house right now I would fish-slap in a New York second.
Of course. They're your Ninja Sasquatches too. We're a team.
Tell your "friend" no one will ever know. Also?
These levels work on would've been in-laws
Okay let's level up. Rush gets death. Children and in-laws get fish-slapping.
The following people should receive the paintball treatment:
Food service workers who give you Coke when you ordered Pepsi.
People who pronounce the word 'supposedly' with a B sound - SUPPOSEBLY.
The person that came up with the idea of wire wrapping toys into their packages. It should not take 45 minutes to remove a doll from a box!
Haha DogsonDrugs had a funny post about that at Christmas :)
I would like to include paintballs for people who pronounce the word "supposed" as POSED. "I'm posed to do what now, teach?"
Also paintballs for: "I set down" rather than "I sit down"
Slow horrible painful death to the people who tortured this dog I saw a few days ago.
Fish-slapping to a few students who give me SERIOUS attitude.
Sorry, I can't get past the image out of my head of really hairy, really stealthy ladies in liquid latex and leather sneaking through the woods.
If I stop shaving my legs, can I join your crack team?
Oh let me be clear the assassins would not be me. I am not getting involved in this nonsense :) We hire out. And of course you can join. Consider yourself an official board member.
Before I comment in earnest, where do judgemental Dooce worshiping Oprah quoting mommy bloggers fit into this paradigm?
T H E P I S H -- P O S H
The best thing about sasquatches is their ability to only be seen by crazy people.
I'd say that would be a Fish-slap followed by a Paintball, just so we know who's who at all times.
Nickelback, Journey, The Eagles, Hinder, Bon Jovi, Creed - I vote just death. They're dangerous. They'll infected people with crap.I mean, like Limbaugh.
The Kardashian, Hiltons, Lohans, Olsens, Baldwins,Sheens and any other family of people who are entitled a-holes that hurt more than help. This goes double for the female versions because they present images to young women who are adversely affected. - I vote level 3 but if Kim Kardashian complains, she goes to level 2.
Gas station/store custoemrs who hold up lines with picky cigarette orders, lottery nonsense or coffee high maintenance nonsense. I vote level 3.
Agree with you on all except some Journey. Man do I hate the Eagles.
I kind of like Alec Baldwin. He does the opera shows on Saturdays at the Met and he cracks me up in most movies. I support general fish slapping for all that you've mentioned though because they've all acted badly, including him.
Oh yes anyone at any time that holds up lines with ridiculousness goes to level 3 IMMEDIATELY.
I have been thinking about this all morning. I want my ex paint balled AND slapped with a diseased fish.
When I was in college, my best friend and I used to say (all the time), "Stupid people shouldn't breathe." This came from another friend calling someone else an "oxygen thief." We gave up on that idea, though, once we realized there wouldn't be enough people left to make humanity an option.
I wish I would have seen the disclaimer before I bitch slapped a superintendent in a neighboring schoolmdistrict with a diseased fish. My sister and I really like this idea....alot
We can make this happen :)
Oxygen thief! Haha!
Well next time we'll do it figuratively. I won't tell on you ;)
LOL I love your enthusiasm!
As long as it's not death by fish-slapping. That's just cruel.
To the dead fish.
See I would rather paintball naughty children and fish slap annoying people. The smell of a diseased fish is worse than the actually slap. It would linger and hence annoy the perpetrator. What do you think?
I think kids would enjoy being paint balled too much. I think the easy solution is for naughty children to be paintballed with math problems and it won't stop until they clean their room.
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