|Smack, slurp, chew, swallow, gulp, lick, crunch, gobble|
What you cannot do is just roll into the meeting late at 12:45 and start tearing into your food like a wild hyena. I wish our meetings had bouncers. Sorry, you missed the window of "chewing and loud talking" time. We've moved into the "no longer eating and now listening to people speak" time. You cannot just throw down and start gobbling away like a starving wolverine. You especially can't do this if you are sitting right next to me. Because I am about to lose my mind.
NO FAWWWKKING CHEWINGGGGGGG!!!!!
This is what it sounds like in my right ear:
Oh yes, isn't this interesting all these ideas we are having and discussing about how to be better teachers, how to use technology, and how to get students more engaged in the learning process so that we can...And in my left ear:
CRUNCH CRUNCH CRUNCH SWALLOW CRUNCH CRUNCH CRUNCH CRUNCH.
Crrrrunch! Crrrrrrrrrrunch! Crrrrrrrrrrrrrunch!So it ends up sounding like this:
Oh yes,CRUNCH CRUNCH isn't this SWALLOW all these CRUNCH CRUNCH we are having and discussing about how to CRUNCH CRUNCH, how to use SWALLOW, and how to get students more CRUNCH in the CRUNCH CRUNCH so that CRUNCH CRUNCH...
|Don't make kitteh sad!!|
The silences... those short pauses between your crunches... my heart starts to palpitate, my body tenses, I start to twitch slightly on my left side, just waiting to be violated again. But then... it's a really long pause. Maybe you're done! Maybe that was it! Phew! Sweet jeebus that was awful, but we made it through. Okay. Heh! My eyes are tearing up a little. No, it's okay, don't worry about it.
Oh god. Wait, what are you .... no!! nooooo!!
Oh, you're not done at all are you? Yes, lick your teeth, move that food around with your tongue, get some air in that mouth, pick your teeth with your dirty fingernail, get in there. Pull that soggy chunk of chip out of your molar with your fingertip. Oh, yep. Better suck your fingers off now like the janitor of cheeto-schlong, like you work for Hoover and your mouth is a wet-vac. Yes, do that. Do that more. That's great.
What's that? Ate too fast with your huge gulps while everyone else had to listen? And now your acid-reflux is acting up and I can hear and feel the food coming back up your esophagus in a big, wet, warm, internal burp? Oh god, please don't let me gag, please don't let me gag..
What is wrong with you? Have you no decency? Have you no humanity? Have you no fear of me murdering you? You should. If you don't stop doing this at meetings I will KILL YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! In those moments, when you brillo-pad my eardrums with your chomp-crunch-crunch-slurp, I go from friendly colleague to homicidal maniac - with a license to kill, and a lack of empathy for your future suffering.
And before I go insane, how about drinking some water throughout the day please? I don't *particularly* like hearing you glug glug swallow glug, but it is ONE MILLION TIMES BETTER than hearing you try to move dry-mouth saliva around in your ammonia breath right next to my damn ear. My stomach flips when you do that and I taste vomit in MY mouth when I hear the sounds and juices of YOUR mouth. I shouldn't have to be this intimate with your bodily fluids.
Listen, Miss Professor Mouth-Breather, Dr. Lip-Smacker, Lady Crunch-a-lot, eat in your damned office if you are going to be late to a lunch meeting. And if it is really quiet while someone is speaking.. that is probably not the time to make little grunting, demonic-weasel, slow-motion swallow noises. Oh, I will so hunt you down and duct-tape your mouth shut. They will never find your body because I will feed you to the wolves. It's what has to happen.
Am I supposed to just live with this? 'Yeah write!'
Happy Monday everyone.
Murder Kitten from The Onion