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| Smack, slurp, chew, swallow, gulp, lick, crunch, gobble |
What you cannot do is just roll into the meeting late at 12:45 and start tearing into your food like a wild hyena. I wish our meetings had bouncers. Sorry, you missed the window of "chewing and loud talking" time. We've moved into the "no longer eating and now listening to people speak" time. You cannot just throw down and start gobbling away like a starving wolverine. You especially can't do this if you are sitting right next to me. Because I am about to lose my mind.
NO FAWWWKKING CHEWINGGGGGGG!!!!!
This is what it sounds like in my right ear:
Oh yes, isn't this interesting all these ideas we are having and discussing about how to be better teachers, how to use technology, and how to get students more engaged in the learning process so that we can...And in my left ear:
CRUNCH CRUNCH CRUNCH SWALLOW CRUNCH CRUNCH CRUNCH CRUNCH.
Crrrrunch! Crrrrrrrrrrunch! Crrrrrrrrrrrrrunch!So it ends up sounding like this:
(silent pause)
Crrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr-uuuuuuuuuuuuuuNCH!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh yes,CRUNCH CRUNCH isn't this SWALLOW all these CRUNCH CRUNCH we are having and discussing about how to CRUNCH CRUNCH, how to use SWALLOW, and how to get students more CRUNCH in the CRUNCH CRUNCH so that CRUNCH CRUNCH...
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| Don't make kitteh sad!! |
The silences... those short pauses between your crunches... my heart starts to palpitate, my body tenses, I start to twitch slightly on my left side, just waiting to be violated again. But then... it's a really long pause. Maybe you're done! Maybe that was it! Phew! Sweet jeebus that was awful, but we made it through. Okay. Heh! My eyes are tearing up a little. No, it's okay, don't worry about it.
Oh god. Wait, what are you .... no!! nooooo!!
CRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRUNCH.
Oh, you're not done at all are you? Yes, lick your teeth, move that food around with your tongue, get some air in that mouth, pick your teeth with your dirty fingernail, get in there. Pull that soggy chunk of chip out of your molar with your fingertip. Oh, yep. Better suck your fingers off now like the janitor of cheeto-schlong, like you work for Hoover and your mouth is a wet-vac. Yes, do that. Do that more. That's great.
What's that? Ate too fast with your huge gulps while everyone else had to listen? And now your acid-reflux is acting up and I can hear and feel the food coming back up your esophagus in a big, wet, warm, internal burp? Oh god, please don't let me gag, please don't let me gag..
What is wrong with you? Have you no decency? Have you no humanity? Have you no fear of me murdering you? You should. If you don't stop doing this at meetings I will KILL YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! In those moments, when you brillo-pad my eardrums with your chomp-crunch-crunch-slurp, I go from friendly colleague to homicidal maniac - with a license to kill, and a lack of empathy for your future suffering.
And before I go insane, how about drinking some water throughout the day please? I don't *particularly* like hearing you glug glug swallow glug, but it is ONE MILLION TIMES BETTER than hearing you try to move dry-mouth saliva around in your ammonia breath right next to my damn ear. My stomach flips when you do that and I taste vomit in MY mouth when I hear the sounds and juices of YOUR mouth. I shouldn't have to be this intimate with your bodily fluids.
Listen, Miss Professor Mouth-Breather, Dr. Lip-Smacker, Lady Crunch-a-lot, eat in your damned office if you are going to be late to a lunch meeting. And if it is really quiet while someone is speaking.. that is probably not the time to make little grunting, demonic-weasel, slow-motion swallow noises. Oh, I will so hunt you down and duct-tape your mouth shut. They will never find your body because I will feed you to the wolves. It's what has to happen.
Am I supposed to just live with this? 'Yeah write!'
Happy Monday everyone.
Murder Kitten from The Onion
113 comments:
YES! YES! YES! I feel your pain!!!! Down with the chewers! Down with the mouth sounds! Down with the smuckers!!!!!! Pickles and chips? Those are as bad as baby carrots. There is a time and a place for it, people. And by that, I mean somewhere where I am not and Pish's meetings. Love "little grunting possessed weasel dry-mouth slow motion swallow noises." I am going to use that one on Manfriend.
Don't ever let Manfriend eat a f**ing peach in front of you. Antonio did that once and laughed because he said I had murder in my eyes. I'm not messing around. For 2 or 3 minutes I kind of hated the essence of his SOUL ;)
Lunch meetings, just no. I once had a boss who would wait until our little internal meetings to eat. His secretary would bring his food purposely at the start of these meetings and then we'd all have to watch and listen to him chew his chicken salad and pretend we didn't want to stab him.
I cant tell you how much this post pleases me. There is NOTHING that drives me more insane than to hear human chewing. Honestly, if I ever snap, it will be because someone was eating corn pop cereal within 100 feet of me and I could hear their gnashers mashing..... yet everyone in m "real" life thinks I am nuts because that sound makes me vurp.
Personally, I prefer food that you don't have to chew.
I was going to write more but I sort of like that sentence just how it is.
Chewing doesn't bother me much. Unless it is like in-your-face smacking and spraying chunks of chewed up hamburger. Actually I remember one time when I was really mad at someone and they were just casually slurping soup from a bowl. It made me so livid that I had to leave the room.
I am the same way. People who bite down on their fork and then pull it through their teeth are the worst. That one is so bad, I will actually say something. I can't take it.
I pretty much can't eat in the same room as my dad (unless it is a noisy restaurant) because of the open mouthed mastication noises. Generally speaking getting up and eating somewhere else is more polite than yelling or sitting there with your hands over your ears. How hard is it to get the food in the mouth and then close the mouth before chewing?
Jason's Deli? lol
It's bad enough to eat with other people but to watch someone eat who is also talking to you, when you are not eating yourself, well that's just plain torture.
Oh hell no. I love my family very much but when they would get up before me and I'd hear the clink of the spoon and the slurp and the crunches coming from the kitchen and that f******* sound - that horse-eating-oats sound - OMFG I WILL KILL YOU ALL DEAD.
I have to have ear plugs or turn on the radio or be somewhere else. If I ever snap it will be in the morning. If I ever snap it will be in the morning AND it will be provoked from cereal eaters.
SLURP!!!! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh
Also, I hate smackers. I will come and fucking call you out, no matter who you are, if you are smacking near me.
That's a good sentence! ;)
But ugh sometimes that means slurping or gulping or gumming it and swallowing by itself is a disgusting sound. ARGH I'm getting upset just thinking about it.
Sllllllllllllllllllllurrrrrrrrrrrrrrps
Sllllllllllllllllllllluuuuuuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrrrppppp
SLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLURRRRRRRRRRRRPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP
My mom does that. It's the worst thing ever. We yell at her to stop it but she just laughs and says we're being rude. Oh that sound - metal on teeth!
OMG why did you have to say mastication? Now I have this gummy spittle filled stringy lip smacking image in my head. I literally just gagged a little.
Okay here's the thing. Here is Antonio's view on this. He does it on PURPOSE because he believes it makes the food taste better to eat it that way.
So he's just being an ASSHOLE.
Huh?
I feel your pain. Lately my husband has been doing this thing while eating that involves slurping the dangling bits of whatever he is eating into his mouth. You would think this would be limited to just dangly food like spaghetti, but no. It is not attractive. I am not saying it is divorce worthy, but if I was ever on the fence for other reasons, this would push me right over.
Isn't it like you can think of nothing else when you hear the smackers? Everything stops. You can think of nothing else but smack smack smack. Smackers should be smacked.
I would say Antonio's eating is so disgusting it makes me repulsed by his being. It is divorce worthy. It IS ;)
OMFG what is your husband, Jabba the Hut?! Remember how he eats those creatures and half of it is sticking out of his mouth?
Oh god that reminds me. Listening to people eat top ramen is horrifying!!
I don't think I'm a loud chewer, but I have been known to sluuuuuuuuuuuurp.
Do you watch How I Met Your Mother? They did an episode on loud chewing and it was hilarious.
x
No I don't. If you find it some time show me.
And go in the corner and slurp if you're gonna slurp!
Oh I am dying laughing..in-between quiet bites of my lunch of course.
I put music on when I eat so other people don't hear me, and I don't hear myself. I do this when I use the bathroom too. ;)
If I'm ever dining around this Mensa crowd, remind me to go straight mainline I.V.
Oh Hell to the Yes! There is nothing more disgusting then listening to someone eat/chew/swallow/digest their food...except for maybe when someone has a cold and will not blow their damn nose. They will sit there and sniff, sniff, snort, sniff, then there is the gawd awful *swallow*, then clear the throat so we can all enjoy the bacteria ridden slime girgling in their throat. ACK! Or the one that does have a tissue and coughs up said crud and spits it into the tissue and then examines it right the fuck in front of you! Now it becomes a battle to keep from barfing up everything you have eaten in the last week. I actually had a woman do this to me at a seminar last month. As I write this and am thinking about it, I am having a hard time keeping todays lunch down. I swear people were raised by wolves. No one has manners anymore! Blach!
I had the same reaction when I was writing my post. And yes people how hard is it to blow your damn nose? It is REVOLTING to listen to people sniff sniff sniff and hear that liquid sloshing around. GAAHHH. I actually think wolves probably have better manners than these nasty people.
How about when you're standing there and someone sneezes without covering their mouth or even turning away? Dear god if I had a glock they would be no longer with us, that's all I'm saying.
I almost barfed reading your comment. Well done! ;)
Will do :)
My oldest used to have a real issue with chewing quietly.
Seriously. It was bad.
And how did they finally break this habit?
By the way have you tried Ting Hau?
I tend to get agitated by people who chew with their mouth open and / or smack their lips. It's like they've never eaten before or something. Loud chewers have never been an issue for me thankfully.
No no... you see, you just have to mash it with your tongue against the roof of your mouth - I promise there's no sound involved lol... I so rarely eat things that I have to chew - that when I do - my jaw is sore for days. Need to build up those muscles ;-) Most food here is soft!
That's exactly what I mean by loud chewers - lip smacking mouth breathing finger grubbing crunchers.
GROSS!!
Oh my god the silent mashing! You know what happens after that? A big huge gulp! Argh!
Where do you live that food is soft and they don't wear shoes?
The only thing worse than loud chewers: people who use comic sans. Sorry. I couldn't resist retaliating in kind (whilst eating my sandwich. Loudly). Bunnies are dying. http://blog.garethjmsaunders.co.uk/archives/2007/06/20/please-help-save-the-bunny/
Hehe. this made me giggle, but also nod with "OH YES I GET THIS" sympathy.
Soup slurpers, loud chompers and burpers make me want to cut someone.
(this post made me snort, I nearly had to cut myself)
Lol!!! That happened to me last week and then when he was done he sat next to me and nose whistled for 2 solid hours.....I thought I might jump out the window....
India ;-)
I'm not sure why food here has evolved in this soft way. Maybe because dentures are hard to come by for the poor? No, I think it's because rice is the staple grain here. There are a few wheat flat breads - but they are only slightly chewy - nothing dramatic. Of course, there are crunchy snacks like banana chips... but I eat those so rarely that they don't count. And I still have to argue! lol... Once you've mashed the food with your tongue against the roof of your mouth - it's just the same as having chewed it up. There's no difference in swallowing mashed food vs chewed food... It's probably more about the quantity you stuff in rather than the way you process it.
(I should be clear that this is not an "Indian" technique for eating - just my own personal style lol)
;-) This one happens to be great.
LOL!!! I love the idea of bouncers at the meeting. I want that job!
Bleck!
I just had a lunch with one of my friends, during which I was unable to eat, due to my friend's revolting eating habits. Re. Volt. Ing. The person is a dear friend, and there simply isn't a way to say 'oh hey, you are disgusting when you eat' without hurt feelings.
Point being - I feel ya.
Lucky you! ;^)
No way that's worse. Loud chewing is much worse. If you don't like a font you can finish reading or look away.
There is no escaping the loud-chewing mouth-breathing slobbering slurper.
Thanks Jenn!
Secret snorting is a non-cuttable offense. Public slurping on the other hand....
And oh god you reminded me of the acid refluxers... oh I feel sick.
Oh god the waking nose whistle is like people who snore. Don't you just want to punch a pillow in their face? Once you hear it you can't NOT hear it...
You could send it with an anonymous card? "We love you but we can't eat with you anymore. Your chewing and swallowing makes us want to puke. Try harder. Or we kill you. Love, your friends."
I LOVE INDIAN FOOD!!!! It's my all time favorite. I think there can be some sloshing - with all the juices in the curries, but you're right it isn't the most offensive food for sure.
THIS IS THE WORST! I'm so happy you posted about it. I literally gag when people are bad eaters. Seeing and hearing a person's "mastication" is positively revolting! Once, when I was younger, I was sitting at the lunch table and one of my friends spit something out of his mouth on accident because he was chewing with his mouth open (inexcusable). I proceeded to vomit into my little lunch box.
Oh god! Horrible! Like a little baby Jabba the Hut and you were poor Princess Leia vomiting in your lunch box. Gahhh!
Brilliant. I'm sorry about your experience, but thanks for a great laugh this morning. I have a lunch meeting today...
Did you at least give a sideways glare? Anything to make the offender aware of the offense? I SO would have wanted to do or say something.
Oh yes I did the over the shoulder silent glare. She is so sweet though as a person I couldn't really put my heart into it.
By the way, I think your blog is my new favorite!!
Good luck!!
Agreed.
Ok, I'll capitulate... Especially since it's a work environment. You can't exactly tell your boss to stop picking his teeth!
HA! People are horrible. There is no professionalism anymore. And manners have definitely flown out the window. Death to Loud Chewers!
I can't handle the chewing, the paper crinkling noise, the gulping of soda, or the stifled burps after. I also have a problem with people in general. It's a wonder I don't punch people in the throat daily!
I think he just got tired of us telling him we were going to send him outside to eat if he couldn't do it without all the slurping and smacking.
No, haven't been to Ting Hau, yet. We don't go out to eat very often, so there hasn't been an opportunity to, yet.
Repressed throat punching is essentially what drives us to blog, no?
I used to think my mom was uptight for focusing on etiquette so much. Now I wish she could sort of have her own show and people had to watch her :)
Holy sh*t! You might be on to something!
Oh my favorite is when they taste their food, which entails smacking their lips and clicking their tongue up and down. I love that so much.
Funny post!
Exactly! I have a friend who says that makes it "taste better." Yes but it makes me want to kill you... so it evens out. No?
I read this while snacking on Spice Seasoned Rice Crackers. But I'm alone, and none of my fellow readers can hear me. I will say, I have picked food out of my molars - with nicely-trimmed, clean fingernails. In our department meetings, there was one woman who always ate her lunch and chomped and chewed like a cow. I'm not being rude, it really was that sideways grind-and-chew motion that cows have. True mastication from that colleague.
I almost had to fight my own gag reflex reading this (especially the part about the internal burp). Gross! I applaud you for keeping your own food down and not going postal on this person!
Oh what happens behind closed doors is no big deal. What happens right next to me in public is less okay :)
I like cows. But people should not eat like them.
I know, sorry! I gag just thinking about it! :)
Seriously, I would've had to pack it in and pretended to be sick. That kind of chewing seriously fucks me up. Why can't people chew with their mouth closed??! I was at Starbucks the other day, wearing headphones and had music turned way up and I could still hear this dude chomping (mouth wide open) his bagel. I wanted to kill him. Medicate me. Please. I feel your pain.
I chew loudly. I don't mean to. I'll go sit in the corner now.
I huge pet peeve of mine too especially when my kids do it
I'm really sorry. :) But seriously - let's never go out to eat. or if we do - I'm telling Ray where I am and leaving a note that if I don't return it is because you killed me. And... I love chex mix. It is LIKE A PARTY IN YOUR MOUTH. Hope we can still be friends. because I love your blog and your comments on mine :)
And don't move til I say!
Haha, I still REALLY like this colleague. It just drove me insane!! If we ever go out to eat I will just wear headphones or have a lot of wine and we can still be friends :)
Kids are like little washing-machine mouthed vacuum cleaners.
It is rather good lol - particularly South Indian in my opinion.
:-)
I loathe loud eaters and drinkers...you know...when someone gulps in long loud awful swallows. Yuck.
Funny, funny post. So sorry you had to endure that.
Yes I DO know :P GUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUULP.
Gross. So gross. Sigh.
Mmmm :) what are some of the differences?
My favorites are saag paneer and saag aloo.
I am right there with you, sistah! on the whole mouth-noises thing. It is something I cannot tolerate. The other night my husband was eating a beef stew I had made, and he was chewing in uncharacteristically loudly. I think I stared him down for minutes until he looked at me and said, "What?" I raised my eyebrows. "MUST you chew like a dog?" I mean - I can't stand it, and I don't know what I would've done at your work meeting because you can stare your husband down and say things but not coworkers! Yikes!
My husband is the LOUDEST chewer ever, I swear. I love him dearly, but when we eat together, we have to be talking or listening to music or I can't stay at the table. Seriously. I'm with you.
Airplanes when you don't have the option to move away, and they eat some foul smelling sandwich, with their mouth open. And even with headphones you can hear their crunch...and that smell... yikes! I've made myself sick. Good post...in case the right people are listening!
Sister, this was the most disgusting thing I have ever read. I mean, you really went there. I may never eat again.
(also? You totally have my vote.)
I hate chewing noises. Now I hate them more.
Success? ;)
Haha sorry and thank you!!
OH GOD YES! Airplanes are the worst!!!!!!!!! Good point. And yes maybe I could make this into a handout and people could give it to loud chewers?
I know just what you mean! I love the people in my life who chew like jackwagon horses too but JEEEEEEEZ!!!!
Oh the beef stew slurp slosh chew! Gaaahhhhh!!!
That's funny thank you for sharing your story :)
Oh gross! Lip smacking slobbering bagel chewers in public. I'm getting creeped out just by thinking about it. I really think people think food tastes better that way. Gag.
Oh that was horrible--the experience, not the writing. The writing was fantastic! Say, would you like to switch careers? You could be a feeding therapist like me!
Stopping by from the Not Mommy hop :)
OMG my father in law does this with every meal. And he slurps his cuppa and smacks his chops after every mouthful! My pet peeve is the snotty nose. I work with someone incapable of blowing their nose. They sniff every 30 seconds, they continually wipe their nose along the back of their hand, they sneeze extremely loudly into their hand then carry on typing, the whole time trying to sniff the snot off of their lip and back up into their nostrils. Even with my MP3 player on loud I can hear them. They need to die a horrible death!!
A feeding therapist? I'm not sure that I could handle that but I am sure that I might consider switching careers if this CHEWING BUSINESS continues!!
They really do. You can almost feel the snot in your own throat when they do that. It's kind of a passive aggressive torture. Oh god its disgusting.
LOL!!!!! I so love this! I totally hate loud chewers..well, can't say I hate my husband but his loud chewing (especially at breakfast, for some reason) is totally killing me!!!! BTW your kitty graphics are hilarious! Have a nice rest of the weekend.
You may not hate your husband but I bet at breakfast, just for five seconds, you sometimes, on occasion, kind of hate him ;) That's how I am. I may love the person I'm with.. but at breakfast, with the slurping and crunching and slurping and crunching? Not so much.
Hahaha, definitely spot on! :)
Chewing noises are my biggest pet peeve. And my father's jaw pops when he chews. It drives me INSANE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm so glad I'm not alone on this!! :)
Open-mouthed, lip-smacking, slurpy-wet eaters make my skin crawl. Serious heebie jeebies.
Seriously
Bravo! Loud eating grosses me smooth out. I'm so glad I found your blog through Not Mommy Blogs. I totally forgot to link up this weekend, but oh well, I found this and I am smiley on the inside now. I actually don't even like to see people eat. If I'm cognizant of someone chewing, swallowing, gulping, slurping, etc. I will gag a little. I am glad I'm not totally alone in this. Thank you, Pish Posh, thank you.
I saw a guy chomping gum at the gym tonight and kind of wanted to throw something at him. Watching someone eat or chew is terrible. HEARING them is the worst thing ever.
Thank you for your lovely comment :)
I am dying laughing because I am so sound sensitive that I think I might written this in my head a few thousand times. So excellent Found you at finding the funny!
I am with thepishposh on the horrors of witnessing peopel eating and smacking food but I'm with you on doing it when no one around. On a rare occasion, I'll eat something super messy and just let it be messy and make noise and wonder if maybe i will love it so much, I'll just eat with abandon from now on and forget about trying to be nice and eat quietly and cleanly. But no, it's no fun. I spend the whole time thinking it will be so great when I can wipe the mess off my face and actually hear the TV because I've finally stopped smacking! Can't imagine living like that!!
Aw thank you!! :) I am so sound sensitive it makes me think of murder ;)
Well, now I'm sort of secretly glad the interweb ate all you comments, because it made me come over to your new site and find this post, which I somehow had missed before! Now I have something to read when I start to feel hungry, but instead I decide I never want to eat again. I hate these people, too - and your description of the pauses between chunches perfectly captures my feelings between snores as I'm trying to fall asleep.
Ha :) Snoring is exactly the same thing for me. You try to ignore it but you can't help but tensing up in the silences, just knowing that next horrific mouth-breather gurgle is going to come rumbling out of their throat like virtual vomit in your ears.
My bf does both things and this relationship may end up in murder. He slobbers on peaches like he has mental problems and he snores like he's getting paid to do it.
Watch "hunt for red october" when that total cnut Sean Connery smacks and slaps his dinner whilst talking. I could seriously cave his f**king face in with my boots for that. Arrogant arsehole.
Sounds like you has misophonia, too! Same noises/things drive me crazy. Of course your examples sound like bad manners, but definitely a mix of misophonia in there.
has = have
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