Okay there's probably something wrong with me. I was driving to work this morning wondering why, in this day and age, with all our technological developments, we can't make an adult beverage that burns calories. Enough with this "light" drink stuff. I want to feel the burn. Like a Hoodia beer. HOW can you POSSIBLY beat this?! unless you also make pizza with negative calories?
Every night, instead of feeling bad about myself and eating cheese in a slightly buzzed euphoric yet self-loathing hate spiral, I would be drinking beer like it's my f*cking j*b. Like you know those Lean Cuisine commercials where the women sit around and one says "I had a vat of chocolate pudding. 4000 calories." "oh yeah? well I hate 18 slices of pizza 5900 calories!" and that other annoying goody two shoes beezy says "oh I had Lean Cuisine. Only 4 calories. Snark Snark."
Well that would be me. I would sit around with my friends and they would tell me all the crap they ate and I would say, "oh YEAH? Well I had a 6 pack of beer! I lost 2 lbs!" And they would say "way to go, Pish!" But they would be thinking you annoying whore! I could live with this.
What if these beers came in the form of booze pills? They get you drunk, not stoned, and burn calories. Like meth without the skank. Non-addictive, of course. Just life-affirming, and butt-firming too.
People would say "dang how do you keep in such good shape, Pish? I wish I was thin like you!" and I'd say, "I KNOW right? I take 2 beer pills every night, rain or shine." Then they'd whisper to each other "yea to hell with this, let's go drink! whee!!"
I will live in this world. I f*cking WILL. It's like Boozetown (see I'm not the only one with dreams) but not in the middle of nowhere. It's George Jetson meet adult beverage. And everyone is happier. And probably wears pants less of the time. And the world is full of drunk skinny twiglets with lowered judgment. Oh god. I just created Lindsay Lohan land. But they would die off because they'd drink so much they wouldn't eat anything. My plan promises stress-relief, fitness, and less stupid people!
Boy I'll really do anything to avoid going to the gym, huh? Okay so maybe diet pills made of alcohol are a terrible idea. Or maybe they're genius!! What's so wrong with wanting to drink beer, eat sandwiches, and have toned elbows too?
UPDATED: Look, here's how I will do it. My booze-pills will come in schnoz-berry flavors and I will hire Oompa Loompas, so I will be helping the economy. I'll have a gigantic factory for booze-pills called Pish Posh Land and I'll say funny lines and carry a walking stick and wear lots of velvet purple, and when my factory opens I'll invite 5 or 6 lucky adults to visit. 4 of them will be horrible creatures like Lindsay Lohan and I'll push them in the booze-river until I find my moral adult and they can run my factory when I'm dead. BUT FIRST, I'm going to live in a mansion and be rich and patent these booze-pill bad boys. And life just started looking a little better, didn't it?
All I really want is couch-time, a couple of beers, (have I told you why I love beer?), and to not add calories. Let's compromise and make a great-tasting calorie-less beer. Don't forget to write a post and link-up on Thursday (you can link-up until Sunday) for the Spring Cleaning Get Fit! Challenge!! All of us are trying to be better people, parents, friends, lovers, students, teachers, writers. Let's share together! I'm trying to sound upbeat! Is it working? Help me!
The Spring Cleaning Get Fit Challenge is a way for you to link up with others, draw attention to your blog, and find better ways to lessen stress. Whether its a habit you want to fix, lessen anxiety, learn how to communicate better, work more productively, stop chewing your fingernails, get in physical shape, or heal from a break-up, or even simply work on your writing in a different way - all those things you want to do but have put off... Write about them and link up here!
It's either that, or booze pills, folks! And no one wants to live in a world of millions of Lindsay Lohans. No one..
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| What I learned in college: Beer Equals Energy |
Well that would be me. I would sit around with my friends and they would tell me all the crap they ate and I would say, "oh YEAH? Well I had a 6 pack of beer! I lost 2 lbs!" And they would say "way to go, Pish!" But they would be thinking you annoying whore! I could live with this.
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| See? Being vegetarian's not so bad! |
People would say "dang how do you keep in such good shape, Pish? I wish I was thin like you!" and I'd say, "I KNOW right? I take 2 beer pills every night, rain or shine." Then they'd whisper to each other "yea to hell with this, let's go drink! whee!!"
I will live in this world. I f*cking WILL. It's like Boozetown (see I'm not the only one with dreams) but not in the middle of nowhere. It's George Jetson meet adult beverage. And everyone is happier. And probably wears pants less of the time. And the world is full of drunk skinny twiglets with lowered judgment. Oh god. I just created Lindsay Lohan land. But they would die off because they'd drink so much they wouldn't eat anything. My plan promises stress-relief, fitness, and less stupid people!
Boy I'll really do anything to avoid going to the gym, huh? Okay so maybe diet pills made of alcohol are a terrible idea. Or maybe they're genius!! What's so wrong with wanting to drink beer, eat sandwiches, and have toned elbows too?
UPDATED: Look, here's how I will do it. My booze-pills will come in schnoz-berry flavors and I will hire Oompa Loompas, so I will be helping the economy. I'll have a gigantic factory for booze-pills called Pish Posh Land and I'll say funny lines and carry a walking stick and wear lots of velvet purple, and when my factory opens I'll invite 5 or 6 lucky adults to visit. 4 of them will be horrible creatures like Lindsay Lohan and I'll push them in the booze-river until I find my moral adult and they can run my factory when I'm dead. BUT FIRST, I'm going to live in a mansion and be rich and patent these booze-pill bad boys. And life just started looking a little better, didn't it?
All I really want is couch-time, a couple of beers, (have I told you why I love beer?), and to not add calories. Let's compromise and make a great-tasting calorie-less beer. Don't forget to write a post and link-up on Thursday (you can link-up until Sunday) for the Spring Cleaning Get Fit! Challenge!! All of us are trying to be better people, parents, friends, lovers, students, teachers, writers. Let's share together! I'm trying to sound upbeat! Is it working? Help me!
The Spring Cleaning Get Fit Challenge is a way for you to link up with others, draw attention to your blog, and find better ways to lessen stress. Whether its a habit you want to fix, lessen anxiety, learn how to communicate better, work more productively, stop chewing your fingernails, get in physical shape, or heal from a break-up, or even simply work on your writing in a different way - all those things you want to do but have put off... Write about them and link up here!
It's either that, or booze pills, folks! And no one wants to live in a world of millions of Lindsay Lohans. No one..
33 comments:
Hello, yes, long time listener, first time caller - this magical beer you speak of - when will it be available on the open market (read: black market... I have zero shame)? Additionally, I'd like to officially subscribe to your newsletter!! Anyhoo..... I found myself salivating by the end of this post - there are scientific studies being conducted by catapulting frozen chickens at the windshields of monorails - I don't see why SOME of that funding can't be diverted to far more USEFUL purposes. *sigh* Oh, and to those no-talent-ass-clowns who ruined Ephedra for the rest of us? There's a special place in dietary hell for you! *silently sobbing now*
Hahaha!! This cracked me up. So I feel like this is a summer invention. I will look for grants to support my "research" and I will need some "researchers" so I will keep you in mind.
I think we could have "prescriptions" for it too no? Maybe require an IQ? This would keep the Lindsay Lohans and Ephedra ruiners from ruining our fun too!
Wonderful! If you write a blog, write a post and then link post a link on my post on Thursday. Wow that sounds way more confusing than it is - you know what I mean though :) If you don't want to this week, you can just read the links that others post! :)
Wait, they do WHAT to frozen chickens?
Heheheh Oh, I will SOOOOOOOOO be back ( I do blog (not very well/coherently/sober mind you... and I love having parentheses within parentheses), and I'm up to the challenge seeing as how part of the title of the damn thing mentions Valley of the Dolls - the depths of which I seem to compose my gobblety-gook from *snicker*) Wow.... where was I going with that?
Sweet jesus, yes! Frozen chickens! No shit! I had read that NASA contributed to the research on lobbing poultry at monorails to test for safety related to birds (you know how they can take down airplanes by flying into the engines and such?), only it went horribly wrong when the first aforementioned beast shattered the windshield, beheaded the engineer-dummy, AND put a massive dent in the door behind "it" only later discovering they didn't thaw the damn thing to simulate reality (unless, of course you're taking into consideration the harsh winters in parts of Canada *more snickers*)!
Reminds me of this drink I used to drink in college. Essentially it was a Redbull Vodka in a can. I think it was called Spark and I believe its illegal now. It was like crack cocaine. You would be terribly drunk and terribly hyper. You would end up dancing all night until you were sweaty and then puking. It made you very skinny for those very reason.
Ugh. That's not what I want at all. I want it to have a self-moderator on it. Like it won't work after 2 pills (4 beers) in a 24 hour period. And it will only burn off one meal.
When I used to bartend and the girls asked for redbull and vodka and the guys asked for jaeger, I always looked at them and thought "this isn't going to end well"...
The bathroom will be a mess and it will all end in tears
Yes, it was a terrible, terrible product. I stopped drinking it when a can exploded in the fridge and I slipped and fell in it and literally sprained my ankle. The worst part was how quickly it stained the linoleum floor. While I was laying helplessly in a puddle of neon orange shame, I thought, this can't be good for your insides.
I think Ginkarpenko is on to something here- I drank a red bull the other day at about 4 pm. Ran further on that day, and faster than I have in a long while...and even though I was up all night twitching, I didn't drunk dial anyone.
Jesus christ Gina, you sprained your ankle on an exploded can of red bull and lay whimpering in neon orange pool of taurine? You are like a one woman sex in the city ;)
You need anti-food. That's made from anti-matter. I'd suggest dark food, but, since dark matter theoretically takes up most of the space in the universe (even though we can't see it or even find it), we're not sure what dark food would do to you.
Maybe you should just take a trip to SR and take me to this Chinese place.
That Chinese place encourages total heathen gluttony in me. That is what I need LESS of :)
I just need to go to the gym. I'm going in a little bit. This is terrible. I'm grading freshman writing papers and going to the gym. What's next? Christmas again? Gahh.
That you know of...
I remember Ephedra. It was great for pulling an all night study session, still going to work the next day and being able to keep partying that night. Loved it.
Then they pulled it off the market and replaced it with psuedophedrine. That stuff sucked.
Any drug that would actually work and not have to go to the gym would fly off the shelves. There would be billions to be made overnight.
I wish I had the ingredients. I want to be a billionaire on booze pills! With an in-ground pool and a moat.
A simply fantastic idea
They used to have booze pills. They were called quaaludes, and they were fucking awesome. Can't find them any more, sadly.
Yeah, but anti-matter instantly annihilates itself upon contact with matter, giving you one wicked-ass case of heartburn.
Maybe you haven't looked hard enough.
Ask those seniors... they'll know.
Any qualudes, so I've "heard", make you sleepy and don't burn calories.
Plus they don't come in wheat and have no hops. Zero hops I say!
I will put you down for 6 dozen if you like. Or maybe you can have a golden ticket to PishPoshville when it opens (my awesome booze-pill factory).
You never cease to amaze me sir.
An electric moat, with shock resistant crocodiles....And lasers!
Lasers are cool.
I have a super-duper miracle doctor friend who cures all sorts of untreatable illnesses. I often ask him if he has any magical stuff I could take to help lose weight... and although he can manipulate bodies with unusual success, whenever I bring up this question, a Mona Lisa type smile plays on his lips - and he says very quietly and serenely, "No".
That's funny :)
Does he have anything to help memory loss/dementia?
The schnoz berries taste like schnoz berries. I would totally live in that world.
You are definitely invited!! You can bring Heather actually because it might help her mellow out.
I wish I could see you do the "I'm not a meth chef" act :) hahaha
It used to make me high as a kite. I'm pretty little and sensitive to meds so of course when I was a teenager I would take it for funsies with no doz, not really understanding what I was doing. But as an adult I couldn't take it because it made me wired and pass out at the same time. My body would get jittery but I couldn't stay awake so I'd have to lay down for 3 hours twitching, half asleep.
Plus I still had allergies.
And this is why I love the Benadryl. It's simple - it's say goodnight Gracie, no shaking.
You know, he probably does. It's Ayurveda - India's ancient branch of medicine. He's told me some really crazy stories of cases he's cured. One was throat cancer. But the thing is - the medicine tastes really really really nasty........ and it's very hard to manage. Not just popping a few pills. All these different liquids and oils, pills that you have to crush, sticks that you have to boil... etc...
Oh that's interesting. Well she used to be a nurse so she is used to medicines and she has nothing else to do now. I also have a brother with muscular dystrophy who is quickly losing the ability to walk, so I am open to medicines of all kinds. In fact it is infuriating because people in Europe with MD have access to experimental new meds that are helping them that the US won't let its citizens try. If it can help my brother walk, he should be able to try it.
Right!? That stuff was the "headache powder" of the gods!!! No attempts to replace it will ever be enough..... Hey... psssssssst....any leads on countries where it's still legal? Unofficially, of course...
I mentioned this on your comment on my blog, but I thought I would elaborate and suggest partial recipie for your booze pill: A gallon of ernest and julio gallo "chablis", packet kool-aid powder, Excedrin tabs crushed with a fistful of Pez and some Trader Joes b-12 disolvable tabs- cherry flavored. And Pop Rocks! or pixie sticks. Or both!
If you mix this in your garage, wear safety goggles. Because of the pop rocks.
I was trying to respond to this last night but lost the Internet. I did a quick google search and found that Ayurveda does treat dementia - the thing is - so much rests with the doctor rather than the meds.
I've seen websites for Ayurvedic institutions in the States but I imagine it would cost a small fortune to go to them.
Hey, great news! As I was typing this up an Indian friend of mine, who lives in the States, came online. I asked him about Ayurvedic doctors there and he knows a good one in CA. As soon as he gives me the info I'll pass it on. :-)
brilliant but for us mentally ill folks, we have booze pills. They;re called xanax or lorazapam. Trust me. Around 4pm, today I took a couple and I had a much better night.
:) I have anxiety too. I like Xanax but am afraid of being addicted - or habitual, and I already take meds for depression - so I've always just had a beer (just one) when I get anxiety. But then I get chubby. Is lorazapam for anxiety too?
Anyway the difference is they don't burn calories. I want something that tastes like a beer, makes you feel like a beer, but makes your butt toned.
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