My Foot in Mouth Disease

Do you ever realize you're so annoying it's intolerable? You say stupid things, you do stupid things, you wear stupid things, you walk stupid ways, you have stupid things, you drive stupidly, you look stupid, and most of all you are stupid?

But stupid is one thing. Annoying is another. I can't bear to watch shows like The Office and Curb Your Enthusiasm. The main characters on that show are so cringe-worthy, and now I'm beginning to wonder if that's because they're just like me.

This is why small talk makes me panic. You know that thing they call "edit function"? I'm not good with it on a good day. On a bad day it's gone completely.

Coupled with the verbal diarrhea coming from my mouth, I am also the queen of faux pas. If there's one thing I shouldn't mention in a conversation, I will mention it. You can count on that, my friends. I can clear the room with my comments. Everyone here feels awkward now too? My work here is done.  The phrase "JEEZ Pish!" is a constant refrain from my family and friends.

My work spouse was walking towards my office the other day and I was so very sleepy. He said "you need some coffee!" So, trying to bond, I *yelled* I NEED SOME COCAINE!! loud enough for people the next state over to hear. He shook his head and walked away. It took me 20 minutes to realize that I might not want to yell that out at work. Someone probably thought I was serious.

I often think I'm in a bubble of silence and invisibility too. I'll ask my work spouse really loud and inappropriate questions at meetings because in my mind it is like this:

"pss pspsp pspsp spsps" 

but in reality it is like this

"HEY WHICH ONE OF THESE PEOPLE WERE YOU JUST TELLING ME ABOUT?"

I can't even believe he is married to me, this work spouse of mine. He has 100% of the tact in this relationship.

Part of my problem might be that I don't have a nose or a neck and I dress really badly

 Last week he and another colleague were standing in my doorway, chatting. I looked up and screamed "YOU'RE BOTH GETTING FUZZY!! Trim your beards!" And then I stood up to take a closer look and told my colleague "you can't wear those colors together. what are you doing? orange pink and red? no!" He kept telling people all day "Pish said I can't wear this scarf with this hat." All he did was get up to stretch his legs and pop in to say hello, and I've insulted his facial hair and his wardrobe. Thank you for coming folks, I'll be here all week.

What am I -  the Commander of Clothes? Most of my outfits no longer fit, have holes, orange juice stains, and are on inside-out. And I adore this man. He reminds me of my dad. Sometimes I think I'm being friendly and charming and I say these things with a great big teasing smile. I only realize later with horror that all the things that come out of my mouth are horribly inconsiderate. Boho and Lil Bear are right when they describe my personality: sweet, snark, snark, GUILT, sweet, snark, snark, GUILT, sweet. I push my jokes a little too far, and it all ends in tears. I then go into an epileptic seizure of anxiety over the thought I've hurt someone's feelings. I swear to god, why does anyone talk to me?? No really, why??

Last night, a perfectly nice person I barely know (one of Boho's friends) answered an email question I asked him. He misunderstood my question, so rather than politely correct him and apologize for not framing the question correctly and thank him for trying to help... I basically insulted his life, and I did it in the most condescending bratty passive aggressive kind of way.

It was inadvertent. I did say "sorry" and that he had misunderstood my question, but it came out like "sorry, you don't understand anything" and that's not at all how I meant it. Worse though, far worse, I was unaware of where he worked, so in my response I totally dogged on a certain work at a certain kind of institution. And I explained that, in my career, I didn't want to "go any lower" than X type of job.

15 minutes later, Boho reminded me that he works at X type of job.

Ohhhhhh fuuuuuudddddge!! Shiiiizzzzz nuts :(

There's no way to take back "I'm a total a-hole." There's no way to say sorry I mocked your life. Sorry I'm a jerk. Sorry I think your life is beneath me. I REALLY don't think X job is beneath me. I would love to have X job. But you know when you say something and its already too late and so the more you try to correct it the worse it becomes? There's nothing I can say.

So I wrote a long, insulting reply for no reason. Then I wrote three long emotionally unstable apologies. All in all, I sound like like a cat that needs to be put down. Heh heh sory I peed on ur footz then bit you and licked your face. I hope he doesn't hold it against me. Hopefully someday we'll crack open a beer and say

"heh heh, remember that one time I insulted your livelihood, and the career you've worked your whole life at? Yeah. Good times"

Many people wish they said things, but let that moment pass by. Only later do they realize what they wish they said. I almost never have that problem. I spend SO much of my time having panic attacks over the things that did actually come out of my big mouth. I'm so quiet most of the time when I finally speak I explode into "hey guys, DID YOU KNOW SQUIRRELS HAVE NUTS?"

Jeez, Pish!

Recently, I heard a student mumble a comment during my lecture... I was writing on the chalkboard and I said, without turning around, "that's what she said..." and everybody laughed. I am SO unprofessional :( Yesterday one of my students said a character we are studying is "kind of a bitch". And, unable to think of another suitable word, I said "she is kind of a beezie, isn't she?" What is WRONG WITH ME?

That's why I have this blog you guys. I have so many stupid thoughts in my brain, I have to get them out so I can be a nice, normal teacher and act more professionally. So I don't make "that's what she said" jokes and scream about needing illicit narcotics in my office. I must get it all out of my system . I must be stopped, people.


Do you have this problem? Do you say things you wish you hadn't?... Or wish you said things you didn't?

Also, if you don't completely hate me, take my advice and find out which states ban bathing your donkey in a bath tub... from the awesome blogger LA Juice... in which I won a bedazzled GI Joe Gas Mask and no you can't have it, its mine.