They said old habits are hard to break. They say you can't teach an old dogs new tricks. They say a lot of things. What they don't tell you is that one woman's bad habit is another man's fortune. You're welcome, and here's how.
Stop Interrupting Me!
One of my supposed "bad habits" is interrupting people. I go through the tiresome rigamarole of apologizing, of course, but I still interrupt you. I do it because other people talk too slowly, act too predictably, and also I have to pee. The longer you are in my office the less likely it is that I'm going to be able to get up and go pee anytime soon. And I almost always have to pee. So wrap it up, Jack!
Your Gift from Me to You: Patience is a virtue. Everybody says so. And let's be realistic. I'm not going to learn patience any time soon, so really I'm calling on you to be patient with me interrupting you. This will make you more tolerant of other people's issues. Basically I'm making you a better person.
Is This a Car or a Purse?
Don't you just love those people who have neat and tidy cars? I know I do. I think they are excellent in a really anal-retentive way. If we're going on a trip I'd way rather drive in their car, wouldn't you? I have the "bad habit" of throwing all my old gum wrappers and receipts and whatnot on the floor behind the driver's seat. I don't leave anything in my car that smells because I hate bad smells. But there's a whole lotta paper back there, plus cardigans and sweaters and umbrellas and random shoes on all the other seats. You aren't going to fit in my car so don't ask for a ride. It will just be uncomfortable because I'll have to put stuff on my lap and I probably like having my things where I want them more than I like you, so... call a cab.
Your Gift from Me to You: This will teach you self-sufficiency, also if you don't know how to drive it will encourage you to get a license and a car rather than ask for rides. Finally, it encourages you to keep your own car clean. I mean, you're welcome for these life lessons!
Boy That's a Fat Cat!
My cats are so fat I'm not even sure if they are cats anymore. They might be weeble-wobbles, I'm not certain. I love my dander-hairball pee-butt whining carpet-ripping needy little snuggle monsters very much. My tripod sleeps in my arms every night. Unfortunately, or fortunately, depending upon how you look at it, I'm a dog person. I will walk you, I will throw a ball, I will set you free and hope you find your way back, I will take you swimming in the river, and I will even let you ride in my purse. But I will not play with little stupid feather on a stick toys or make my house into a Pink Floyd show at the Laserium.
Like Meatloaf says, I Would Do Anything for Cats... But I Won't Do That.
Shut up cats. This is a good song.
Your Gift from Me to You: I'm talking to you now cats. I hate to break it to you, but food is love. Don't listen to people who tell you otherwise. They're lying. Cheap mysterious "meat-flavored" canned-food crack is my way of saying I appreciate you. I mean, who wants a mental slideshow of memories playing little cat-games when we can just pig-out in kitchen together and lay on the couch like satiated whales? No one, that's who. Also, grow the hell up. It's a feather, not a bird. You know it, I know it, so let's not play these games. And just because you like to get high on catnap and chase that damned red light doesn't mean I'm going to encourage this reckless behavior. Not on my dime.
Look, I'm a teacher even when I'm not in the classroom. You are welcome for these little life-lessons. It's what I do. At this point, it's who I am.
Other Teaching Accomplishments:
I Drink Beer to Help Mexico - Do you think I don't care about my ancestry? Well you're wrong! Mexico is in a horrible state right now. I mean people there are suffering. So I do what I can by supporting Modelo Especiale. On a nightly basis even!
I Am a Dick to Help You Learn - Do you think I am this emotionally insensitive on accident? Please don't underestimate me. I know what I'm doing. You see, when I'm a dick and you tell me about it, we work it out and we both grow together. So essentially, our friendship benefits from me being a dick. There's more where that came from, you better believe it.
I Obsessively Vacuum So You See How Dirty You Are - yes I vacuum every two days or so. But you are really dirty. I mean, you leave rocks on the floor. You're like an animal. My vacuuming all the time shows you that you belong in a tree-house. That way you appreciate the fact that you're even let inside where there's indoor plumbing and everything. You work in construction? Great. Build yourself a treehouse or take your damned shoes off when you come inside.
I know you love me and that these are only part of the reasons you love the magic that is me.
What are your so called "bad habits?