Involved Men: Women Need Appreciation

Doing the dishes is not the key to my heart. But it's a start.

If men are all about the fragile ego - what are women about?

As part of a larger post about relationships, cheating, and appreciation on Thank, Q  Quincy writes

Let's say Tonya always does the dishes every evening. She washes them and puts them away in the cabinet every single night. One evening, John decides to surprise Tonya and do the dishes so that she can relax. He washes them, but leaves them in the drain instead of drying and putting them in the cabinet.

Instead of Tonya being thankful for what he has done, her response is: "why did you wash the dishes and not put them up?" 

He says it doesn't matter that he didn't. When a guy steps in to wash dishes but doesn't put them away, the woman should be delicate with his ego. Even though he's done half the job so she actually doesn't get to relax and has to come in and finish it herself, Tonya should be grateful. She should stroke his ego so he doesn't cheat with the office bimbo who appreciates everything he does.

Really? Q suggests just because he didn't do it good enough for her, she should still be grateful. But that's the whole point. He shouldn't be doing it for her. He should just be doing it. A man's job is to share chores and when his partner is too tired to do her share, maybe he does hers too. As she should when he's tired. Partners help each other, that's how it goes. When he does do something for her, if he wants to help, he should do it completely, and not expect a parade in return. Men and women should both be appreciative and considerate.

Sometimes in relationships you have to pick your battles, and not complain about every damn thing. But walk on eggshells to protect his ego so he doesn't cheat? That is not a healthy relationship to begin with. Men should be able to soothe their own egos and not have to resort to infidelity or other women just to get it stroked, so to speak.

If you want a more grateful wife, try doing the dishes and putting them up every night. Want to talk common sense? Don't do things around the house for her. Do it because it's your job as much as hers. Men make a big deal about the slightest bit of effort they make, and with it comes the implicit demand for reciprocation. Here I got you these flowers, now let's have sex. Or, I washed some of the dishes, now let's have sex. Men, it's your job to help out. Sex shouldn't be a reward, and you don't get rewarded for a half-assed job. 

What does she get when she does a full-assed job, every day, all the time? Seriously, what does she get? The home is a place where everyone helps out because that's the way it goes. Stop making a woman feel like she is supposed to do everything and then be grateful to you when you choose to help out in the tiniest way. Of course you should do the dishes and put them up. Big. Deal.

She doesn't expect a parade when she does these things and neither should you. She doesn't do a half-assed job and neither should you. Help out around the house because you're a grownup not because you want her to notice you are helping. Always make her feel special - and you may find yourself actually getting a blowjob once in awhile.

I'm not wrong about this. Even The Stir agrees and they aren't exactly shooting for the moon. Some of the top 11 things Sasha Brown-Worsham finds sexy in men include cooking, speaking, dressing, and driving. So I don't really think women are asking that much.

A few summers ago I had to work three jobs to get by. Antonio wasn't bringing in much money. When I came home, he had cleaned the house (and cleaned it well), set the table, made dinner, and would rub my feet, run me a bath. It made everything worth it.

Women are not going to feel in the mood for boom boom if they have to flatter a man's half-assed once-in-a-blue-moon effort just so he doesn't boink the office bimbo.

• Does anyone like feeling obligated to do things?
  
  
• Do you like it when she does a half-assed job and expects ego-boosting or else?
  
  
• Doing a half-assed job tells your partner you feel half-assed about them.
  
  
• Would you tip a waiter for a half-cooked meal?

Quincy suggests men wouldn't care if women mowed half the lawn, they would just brag about her even trying to do it. That's because mowing the lawn is seen as a man's job, and a woman not doing a good job at a man's job actually makes the man feel better about himself. Let's look at this differently.

How would a man feel if a woman did a half-assed job on something he really needed help with, and then expected kudos for it, or else she'll going to boink the office-boy behind the water cooler? I don't want to say what that something is, but each person needs help with something from their partner, and has certain things they value.

Antonio really likes my cooking. It helps him feel cared for after a long day of working outside. If he came home, took care of the kids, cleaned the house, after working his job, and I made him a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and said "you better appreciate this or I'm going to boink the office boy who says I'm awesome" - things would hit a wall and hard.

Men do half-assed jobs because they know they get away with it. They do it because they know women will  sigh and just do it themselves. So, let me tell you something about women. Women want to be appreciated. The best way to earn a woman's respect is to appreciate her. She will mind doing the dishes  a lot less if she feels you genuinely appreciate her. And she'll be a lot more attentive if she feels you appreciate it, rather than expect it.

Women are told from day one they are supposed to do this, and expected to do that. Much of women's worlds are filled with duties and obligations, sacrifices and burdens. Women secretly and silently carry more burdens than men will ever know. Women are willing to do this when they feel appreciated. "Thank you" won't do it, but its a good place to start, and it needs to be genuine.

The worst thing you can do to kill desire is to make a woman feel taken for granted. Women should not have to coddle a man's ego when he does a half-assed job (the same job she always does without thanks). Partners need to be considerate and half-assing a job isn't considerate. Nobody thanks anybody for a job half-done. 

Thank, Q isn't suggesting anyone should cheat, or even that everyone would cheat. I think he's suggesting women should be less critical when men decide to help out a little. I'm saying men should always help because its their job, not because they expect something in return. So often, as soon as people appreciate the other, instead of focusing on their own ego, they find somehow their needs are met. Put those dishes up.

This is inspired by a post about appreciation on a great blog Thank, Q - read the original here.