So this is weird.
I hear amazing, strong, independent, creative, fabulous women say "I'm not a feminist." And I cringe. Because I am a feminist. And feminism is about choice, isn't it?
I've researched, written, and published on, among other things, cultural propaganda force-fed to women in the post-WWII economy idealizing the housewife, and the anti-feminist legislation passed, in some cases, to ensure that women would return to the home, and their liberties would be severely curtailed.
Nobody would call me a domestic goddess.I hate cleaning and I'm not particularly into crafts. I'm not married and I tend to date men who are broke and totally problematic. I'm not in any way a gold-digger, hubby-hunter, and have never cared if I marry. Although a family is what I want, and is meaningful, I don't think just getting a husband and having children is a requirements to a fulfilled life and self. There is of course so much more - for people who want it. And I do.
I worked all my life to have a serious career. I need financial independence and never want to rely on a man. I like being alone. I worked for a decade to get a Ph.D and work myself up the tenure track. I have $130,000 in debt from student loans.
- I love cooking for people, its one of my favorite things.
- I have a very strong maternal side and love children and animals and old people.
- I love being at home. I'm moderately agoraphobic and always have been.
- I love to sit around. I don't dream of passionate wild traveling adventures. I have done that. I dream of porches and couches and hammocks.
- All I really want to do is be a writer. I need time to do that. I rarely get time for my hobbies, such as cooking and photography. I need time and space to do it and someone to do it for, the cooking anyway.
- I want financial and domestic security almost most in the world. The first is the health of my family and the second is to be a good writer, whether published or not. I want a HOME.
I kind of want to throw it all aside and be a house-wife. I have absolutely no idea how to make that happen. I'm not even sure its what I want. But I want it every morning, when I have to go to work.
Is this normal? I have no prospects for making that happen. I'm proud of my job. And I know it's not easy to be a housewife, especially as a mother. But I think women who can afford to be stay at home housewives, in this day and age, are incredibly blessed.
The thing is, I'm not good at housewifery. I don't like cleaning. I don't mind doing laundry but I don't like feeling like I have to do it. And I wash all my whites and colors together don't judge me. I get overwhelmed by small problems. Like the fact that my cat has pee-butt or I need to fix something or take the bedspread to the cleaners, or sew a torn fabric. I'm not good at that stuff and it stresses me out to an irrational degree.
My friends say what I need is a seratonin reuptake inhibitor. I say what I need is a sugar daddy so I can be a stay at home housewife with her own personal maid, life coach, and housewife. I want to be a housewife with a housewife. And it can't be a stay at home dad because that just puts me back into the workforce and leaving home, which is what I do not want. So its gotta be a woman. But not a lesbian because two relationships is too much work. And not just a maid, because I want to also be able to cry on her shoulder and have margaritas together.
I don't know how to create an ad for this in Craigslist. How's this?
I need a huge raise, a husband, to win the lottery, or an until now unknown benefactor to step in and pay for all this. Or for you guys to start giving me 10 dollars every time you visit my site. That would be about 1000 dollars a day, and so its either that or high-class stripping/hooking. And really, who has the energy for that? And I can't do that anyway, with all this elbow-fat.
I want to be a stay at home housewife with a lesbian housewife-maid-life coach who speaks spanish and makes me margaritas and takes care of my mom and allows me to feel no guilt about laying around at the pool and writing novels.
This is how my stupid brain works.
I guess I just see how short life is, and I don't want to waste it. Yes, I want to be a successful writer. But I also want to just know a bit of comfort and ease. More than anything. I think I want a mommy. But not my mommy. My mommy is on the way to being my daughter since I may have to take care of her 100% of the time in the nearish future. I need help taking care of her too. She needs medical care. Is it too much to want a sugar-daddy lesbian life coach and mommy in one? I mean, really?
Don't you think we should start a business together, friends? We could create an employment agency for wives - they would be highly paid, with totally awesome benefits, and feel appreciated. And I could lay the hell around by the pool. And not have to wear pants or feel weird about it.
I feel like this is messed up in so many ways. So many ways. So its probably good that I don't say this out loud more often. But if I was rich I would have a big house and buy a huge property and put lots of houses on it for all my family and friends.
Maybe what I miss is having my friends and family near me. It's lonely out here far from home.
So how do I get home? How do I become a stay at home housewife when I'm single and alone? Do I even have what it takes?
Things I Can't Say - I love my job, my colleagues, my students, and I am lucky. But I am a little burnt out on life right now, always working so hard, extra hours, so far from home, so little pay, all alone. It could be worse, I know, and I am grateful. This is why I can't say what I've just said.
I'm at my happiest when I'm writing so thank you friends for reading and letting me write.