|What do you see? Pish Posh is your very own Rorschach. Tell me everything.|
5 Random Insights into my SOUL
1. My tongue is like a sword. Mostly, I keep it sheathed and I am a quiet person. But when someone I like (including myself) has been wronged, I unsheathe my sword and good lord you better look out. My tongue knows no fear. It will stand up to bullies, protect the weak,and pierce the hearts of tossers and braggarts. I know people like to say "oh I will bitch slap that ho" or "I'm gonna cut a bitch" but they don't really mean it. But if you get ME to the point that I need to be sharp ... I'm not f***ing around. You are doing down. And not in the good way. And yes this first random entry involves unsheathed swords, tongues, and oral sex entendres. Guttermind.
2. I get embarrassed by the weirdest things. Today, for example, when I said the word "moist" to my secretary we both got beet red, and rather than say "sexual politics" in the classroom I specifically said "gender politics" because I thought if I said "sexual" the students would start thinking about sex and then they would start to wonder if I was thinking about sex ... it would just be a mess. Also, at the grocery store, when I have to get toilet paper I am embarrassed because I don't need anyone to know that I go to the bathroom. Also, when I have gas and I am home alone, I say "excuse me" to no one at all and feel very embarrassed.
3. I have to run the water in the bathroom if there is anyone within a 40 foot radius of me. While I'm going I mean. In fact when I really have to "go," I swear to god I either send Antonio on an errand or make him sit on the porch outside. And even then I still can't go. I have to know that he will definitely be gone for a few hours. I need that window or I clench up real bad. When I go camping with my family every summer for a week I come back with a week's worth of backed up plumbing. And I hit the metamucil like a junkie on a 4 day bender.
4. I'm really a 64 year old Italian Grandmother. You know those Russian dolls where inside a doll is an even smaller doll and inside that doll is an even smaller doll? I'm a fairly smallish (but squishy and skinny fat) person. But inside me is a great big roly poly flabby armed thick necked double chinned large bosomed Italian grandmother just wanting to fill the house with food and stuff your stomach so full of sausage you explode. I'm basically Sofia on The Golden Girls, except 100 pounds squishier, and not such a dick. If I am having a party I buy so much food that sometimes Luxury Cruises ask me for advice. I love to cook and I love to nurture. I will not have people going hungry on my watch. So if you come over and its between 5pm and 11pm you are going to eat something if I have to hog-tie you and force feed you. And you will like it.
5. I once called my student a lesbian. I was teaching at a very conservative Catholic college and the course was Gender Studies. We had been awkwardly talking about gay identity, biologically, socially, and culturally. Everyone in the class was devout. One girl raised her hand and her name was Liz. Instead of saying "yes, Liz?" I said "yes, Lesbian?" and instead of plowing through their uproarious giggles, I doubled over crying hysterically. I kept trying to say "sorry, Liz LIZ" but it wouldn't come out. Her face turned red and I couldn't stop laughing even though every fiber of my being said "stop it stop it!!" I think the reason I was laughing is because I am from San Francisco where we love and accept everyone gay or straight and I had been working in a repressive, closeted environment for so long I just snapped. I became a part of the giggle-loop.
To know about the giggle-loop is to become part OF the giggle-loop.
My favorite gigglicious moment involves my favorite lady on tv, Allison Janney, playing CJ Craig on The West Wing. I bring you Marion Coatsworth Hay.
Now I tag a few bloggers I love to read even when I want to annihilate the world and live with Wall-E in a post-apocalyptic future looking for a good time with Ginger Rogers.
LA Juice: Let me tell you something about Juice. Juice is whiplash on ice. If she doesn't get you with the lawyer skills she will sic a Russian Devil Wing on you so fast your head will spin. Also she has helpful Earthquake prevention advice and quite possibly the best song about genitals since Every Sperm is Sacred. She has a heart of gold and balls of steel.
Chicktuition: Jacqui I swear to God Almighty I will win one of your daily trivia questions or so help me I will torch myself with mayonnaise, Tikki Torch fluid, and a firecracker. Check her out. She's witty, she's sweet. She's really good at legos too.
The Cowardly Feminist: First of all, Vesta Vayne has one of the coolest names outside of sexy, sassy fictional characters. Second of all, Vesta somehow manages to describe her crazy neighbors, pissy dog, camera-loving husband, and writerly development in both crass and classy terms. She's smart, she's an author, and she has great recipes for drinks. She is like a vanilla martini - naughty and nice at the same time.
Dogs on Drugs: Okay seriously there's something wrong with this guy. I came across his blog post "Full Glossy" about his baby daughter (obviously it wasn't his adult daughter) spraying her bedroom walls with poop and him taking that opportunity to gloat to his wife that he was pretty damn smart after all to have chosen the glossy paint. Up for a Bloggie, Dogs is one of the most messed up and most well-written blogs out there. Ever.
Your turn my pretties! TELL ME some random things about all the madness that is you!!