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| What do you see? Pish Posh is your very own Rorschach. Tell me everything. |
5 Random Insights into my SOUL
1. My tongue is like a sword. Mostly, I keep it sheathed and I am a quiet person. But when someone I like (including myself) has been wronged, I unsheathe my sword and good lord you better look out. My tongue knows no fear. It will stand up to bullies, protect the weak,and pierce the hearts of tossers and braggarts. I know people like to say "oh I will bitch slap that ho" or "I'm gonna cut a bitch" but they don't really mean it. But if you get ME to the point that I need to be sharp ... I'm not f***ing around. You are doing down. And not in the good way. And yes this first random entry involves unsheathed swords, tongues, and oral sex entendres. Guttermind.
2. I get embarrassed by the weirdest things. Today, for example, when I said the word "moist" to my secretary we both got beet red, and rather than say "sexual politics" in the classroom I specifically said "gender politics" because I thought if I said "sexual" the students would start thinking about sex and then they would start to wonder if I was thinking about sex ... it would just be a mess. Also, at the grocery store, when I have to get toilet paper I am embarrassed because I don't need anyone to know that I go to the bathroom. Also, when I have gas and I am home alone, I say "excuse me" to no one at all and feel very embarrassed.
3. I have to run the water in the bathroom if there is anyone within a 40 foot radius of me. While I'm going I mean. In fact when I really have to "go," I swear to god I either send Antonio on an errand or make him sit on the porch outside. And even then I still can't go. I have to know that he will definitely be gone for a few hours. I need that window or I clench up real bad. When I go camping with my family every summer for a week I come back with a week's worth of backed up plumbing. And I hit the metamucil like a junkie on a 4 day bender.
4. I'm really a 64 year old Italian Grandmother. You know those Russian dolls where inside a doll is an even smaller doll and inside that doll is an even smaller doll? I'm a fairly smallish (but squishy and skinny fat) person. But inside me is a great big roly poly flabby armed thick necked double chinned large bosomed Italian grandmother just wanting to fill the house with food and stuff your stomach so full of sausage you explode. I'm basically Sofia on The Golden Girls, except 100 pounds squishier, and not such a dick. If I am having a party I buy so much food that sometimes Luxury Cruises ask me for advice. I love to cook and I love to nurture. I will not have people going hungry on my watch. So if you come over and its between 5pm and 11pm you are going to eat something if I have to hog-tie you and force feed you. And you will like it.
5. I once called my student a lesbian. I was teaching at a very conservative Catholic college and the course was Gender Studies. We had been awkwardly talking about gay identity, biologically, socially, and culturally. Everyone in the class was devout. One girl raised her hand and her name was Liz. Instead of saying "yes, Liz?" I said "yes, Lesbian?" and instead of plowing through their uproarious giggles, I doubled over crying hysterically. I kept trying to say "sorry, Liz LIZ" but it wouldn't come out. Her face turned red and I couldn't stop laughing even though every fiber of my being said "stop it stop it!!" I think the reason I was laughing is because I am from San Francisco where we love and accept everyone gay or straight and I had been working in a repressive, closeted environment for so long I just snapped. I became a part of the giggle-loop.
To know about the giggle-loop is to become part OF the giggle-loop.
My favorite gigglicious moment involves my favorite lady on tv, Allison Janney, playing CJ Craig on The West Wing. I bring you Marion Coatsworth Hay.
Now I tag a few bloggers I love to read even when I want to annihilate the world and live with Wall-E in a post-apocalyptic future looking for a good time with Ginger Rogers.
LA Juice: Let me tell you something about Juice. Juice is whiplash on ice. If she doesn't get you with the lawyer skills she will sic a Russian Devil Wing on you so fast your head will spin. Also she has helpful Earthquake prevention advice and quite possibly the best song about genitals since Every Sperm is Sacred. She has a heart of gold and balls of steel.
Chicktuition: Jacqui I swear to God Almighty I will win one of your daily trivia questions or so help me I will torch myself with mayonnaise, Tikki Torch fluid, and a firecracker. Check her out. She's witty, she's sweet. She's really good at legos too.
The Cowardly Feminist: First of all, Vesta Vayne has one of the coolest names outside of sexy, sassy fictional characters. Second of all, Vesta somehow manages to describe her crazy neighbors, pissy dog, camera-loving husband, and writerly development in both crass and classy terms. She's smart, she's an author, and she has great recipes for drinks. She is like a vanilla martini - naughty and nice at the same time.
Dogs on Drugs: Okay seriously there's something wrong with this guy. I came across his blog post "Full Glossy" about his baby daughter (obviously it wasn't his adult daughter) spraying her bedroom walls with poop and him taking that opportunity to gloat to his wife that he was pretty damn smart after all to have chosen the glossy paint. Up for a Bloggie, Dogs is one of the most messed up and most well-written blogs out there. Ever.
Your turn my pretties! TELL ME some random things about all the madness that is you!!
22 comments:
These were great. I loved the Lesbian comment. That made me laugh so hard. TFS
Hahahah...I get embarassed when I think maybe I don't know how to pronouce a word, then a fumble around and overthink it and its terrible awkward. I can do "moist" easily though.
Okay you need to stop saying that word. It makes me think of tuna fish. Did you see the world's worst Allie the Alligator yet?
I felt so bad. You know when you're stuck in a giggle-loop and there's no getting out?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-iKjkPgVQcE
I'm glad your student's name wasn't Mike....because that would have been awkward,.....think about it
More personal information please...even if it's damn lies.
Me too! Jeepers.
Such as? SS#? Ask and I shall answer!
I was with you on number 1 And then number 3 scared
me. But then number 4 made me smile, so I felt a little better.
Thanks for the homework assignment. I'll try to complete it in a timely manner. ;)
I know... I... I may have said too much... ;)
It was just a passing thought!!
That's it. I am CHANGING IT.
To something even weirder.
Oh man this is funny! I can't say penis. I inherited that from my mother who used the term "wing-wang" throughout "the talk" to make things less awkward. It was horrifying.
My mom says "ding a ling" and "lulu" for boy bits and lady bits... and I'm in my mid thirties. She says it STILL. To ME.
A wing-wang sounds like something from Dr. Seuss.
And with this wing-wang widdle he did diddle
A kitten and a fiddle
He wanged and he banged
With his wing-wang widdle
when I look at that picture the snozzberries taste like snozzberries and I just want to invite absolutely everyone to come inside... i also love and adore Miss Posh's wonderful blog and look forward to her comments on every other blog I read. She is the absolute damn BEST! Also, I am cheering you on to win a chicktuition trivia contest, because then once you get a pink chick prize, and your bedazzled GI Joe mask, you can take pictures of all the fabulous prizes you win now that you are a rock star blogger!
you are wonderful, thank you for being such a groovy cheerleader and always showing up at La Juice. I am super lucky!
I count my steps when I walk, but I always start over at eight. I have done this as long as I can remember and don't know why I do it.
I am a completist when it comes to music. If I buy an album, I now must own every album by that artist. I will go insane if I don't get them all and quickly. And in most cases, I will probably never listen to them.
Do you collect things? I have a friend who has thousands of superhero memorabilia and its sort of an organized hoarding.
I'm the opposite. I can't buy a whole album because unless I love the artist I won't have patience to sit through the album to hear if I like it.
I used to not be able to walk on cracks but I got over that.
Do you count your steps any time anywhere? Like you begin a long walk by going 1-8 1-8 1-8 1-8?
Thanks Juice! This was so sweet to read while at THE DENTIST OF DOOM today!! :)
When I was young (like, around ten) I was very concerned about solar eclipses. My mother used to FREAK THE FUCK OUT over them, concerned that the school wouldn't know that there was one going on and a whole playground full of blind children would be the result.
So I, being young and impressionable, started worrying about it WAAAYYY too much. Playing catch with my brother in the back yard, a baseball I was tracking quickly crossed the sun. Oh no! How much solar radiation did my retinas just take?
Or I'd be sitting in my room, trying to sleep, looking at the round, orange backlight on my clock/radio, when I'd absentmindedly block it out with my thumb. Holy shit! Do light bulbs release radiation harmful to my eyes? And I going to be blind tomorrow?
Let that be a lesson for parents: React to things with an APPROPRIATE amount of concern, or your kids will grow up to be profanity-spewing weirdos like me.
I suppose you don't need a knife, then, when you eat.
I collected things when I was younger. I don't any more. The steps do get counted everywhere. I may get distracted and forget to count, but as soon as I remember again, I start counting.
The worst is steps. I cannot go up or down stairs until I know how many there are. My steps have to be timed so that my last step is #8.
Example: If there are 7 steps, then my first step on the stairs will be #2, so I will end with an 8.
If there are 13, then my first step must be a #4.
This way I can adjust my steps to approach the stairs at the right moments and achieve walking victory.
I know it is weird, but it all happens in my head and the people around me don't know I am doing it.
So that explains it. My mom used to freak out if I looked up at the sky too. **DON'T LOOK AT THE SUN!! You'll burn your eyes!!**
Not even your kids know?
That sounds very exhausting actually. I wonder how that started.
Aw shucks, you called me crass and classy in the same sentence.
I have so many weird and random things it's hard to pick just one....
I tap my thumb to each finger in order, over and over again, when watching a movie. I don't do it any other time, but for whatever reason I cannot watch a flick without tapping.
My dad does that too when he is reading. I like to think it somehow helps him organize his thoughts.
You are by far the least crass blogger I've ever read, I was kidding. But definitely classy and somehow untainted by the world of social media debating and whatnot - I think you are very classy, restrained, and elegant. Even your anger seems pretty polite. Which is nice :)
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